Other side of pain

Have you ever thought ‘if they only understood me they’d know where I am coming from’ especially when we are wrongly branded or unjustly punished for something we did or said that was from a seemingly good place? I say seemingly because our hearts are quite often ‘desperately wicked’ and cannot be trusted.

As I muse on this, it’s occurred to me that I am equally judging the other person.

I’m learning to make peace with the reality that those around you will not always understand you. Only trust that they didn’t wake up with an item on their to do list named ‘hurt so-and-so’.

I’m learning to own my emotions, my perceived views on other people, and my actions. Peace is in the mind, not in the calm of the day.

I’m learning to not ignore the pain,  to make peace with the pain, but not to dwell on it. Denial of pain is a guaranteed path to a life of misery.

I’m learning to instead focus on the lesson, as this molds me and makes my edges smoother.

I am learning forgiveness and love.

Food and booze ≠ sex

This is a very touchy topic. And yes, pun intended.

At what point did a life necessity and a liquid that clouds your judgment become a currency for sex?

I remember having an awkward conversation with a guy some years back letting him know that I was not okay with his asking for a kiss and such like favors after a night out. I didn’t ask you to pay for my drinks. I mean, thanks, but if we didn’t agree at the beginning of the night that we’ll do naughty naughty, then please, don’t ask. Make your intentions clear from the get-go.

‘Wambaire these days you’re lost!‘ it’s because of this nonsense. Actually.

I brought this logic to a guy friend last night and he implied that women do know what’s coming. “If a guy throws drinks all night, and at 5 am you start stories… Nah!” I get it, society has told us that if a guy ‘invests’ in you all night, you are meant to sleep with him.

Heads are being nodded, cool…

But how is this okay? At what point was this logic made acceptable? I’d like to know when we took this road and how to get back.

I get the ‘thirsty broke girl’ phenomenon, and I will get round to that on a later post because I am in no means saying that women are blameless in this insane logic, but for now, my gentlemen, I am addressing you.

I have amazing brothers. The toilet seat is always down and with no pee or pee stains. That is how I KNOW they respect me as a sister. It’s not ‘but men…’ no, it is human decency. I see how my elder brother treats his lady. I can’t say much about my younger brother- I don’t want him having to explain to my very African folks why he’s not focusing on his studies 😀 Watching my dad fuss over his wife, my dear mother, when we are out for a meal is just the sweetest thing ever. Given the option he’d probably go to the kitchen and make sure they nail her order.

And that is my utopia, and the reason why I don’t understand how, to be specific, food and drinks are a currency for sex. Si you give me that cash? Like I could put it to better use, ha! I’m sure some females out there are nodding. #thestruggleisreal

A no, is a no, is a no. Once you put a ‘but’ at the beginning of a sentence, men who fall into that category, I have a problem with you. This excuse that ‘women don’t know what they want’ as a reason to overrule her no makes you an opportunist and God forbid your mother, sister, daughter, whoever meets a man like you.

You are an independent thinker, bold, takes charge and makes firm decisions. Why are you suddenly such a spaghetti  when it comes to self-control? Can you show me scientific evidence that backs your ‘but I am a man’ for infringing on the rights of a woman to say no? Imagine I have shifted to science because if we were all upstanding Christians, or people ascribing to a religion as a good number do, we wouldn’t be having this conversation.

Maureen, it’s a monologue…

See your petty self.

But Wambaire, we are all grown ups!

Can we not play politics and silly PR and address the issue?

Taking out a woman on a date that you will not wife, or at least date (FAITHFULLY) is a stupid investment. It’s not even an investment, it’s a liability because that ‘no’ is real. Those who rape women are beasts- I see where the metaphor came from- savage and lacking in self-control. Gentleman, if we you still want to debate how fucking a woman who’s clearly not in a right mind is not rape then I think there is a special corner for you in hell. Tell me this, if you are sure this chick will not have sex with you sober, what part of your brain houses the thought that it’s okay when she is drunk? Pris, tell me, I have a hammer that can correct that sort of malfunction.

Dear reader, as I sat talking to my friend last night such heaviness came over me because if men don’t have these conversations among themselves, what is the purpose of these 3000+ characters?

On why adults should play…

The Kenyan system killed our creativity. Why art, music and physical fitness were scrapped off is beyond me. We were forced to be adults at age 5. I cannot grasp how I see more than 5 school buses during my 20 minute jog- where are you taking children at 5:00 am??

We are creators, and this is as fact, as fact as the fact that the sun does not rise from the East. We are creators because we were created. The very fact that you cook or pair clothes together makes you a creative at the very least! Fine, not everyone is in that field, but we all have creativity in us.

Creativity cannot be lost, only buried and block, and this excavation is done through forgiveness and play. Forgive whomever you are still blaming for not living a colorful life, then go out and do those things that they’ stopped’ you from doing that you wanted to do. Take a drawing class, go take up a hobby as random as glass making because your heart feels some type of way every time you’ve seen a clip where glass is glowing.  Take walks because all those shades of green and bricks fascinate you.

Play.

I have coloring book apps that help me with mindfulness. You can read all about it here though in summary, it helps you relax and as been known to be effective therapy for people with depression and PTSD. Your mind basically quietens, and something about colors makes it hard for your mind to habor negative thoughts. I’ve found that I am able to piece things together when I am in this state of mindfulness. Your conscious mind shuts up and lets your undervalued companion, the subconscious mind, to work.

I asked a friend in a group of three whether she knew any great coloring ups, and our friend told me, when I explained mindfulness, “most people mediate but coloring books work outside kindergarten too”. Silence was palpable after I share the article. Ha!

Maureen, chill, what’s ‘mindfulnes’? Is it like minding your own business?

Google says it’s:

  1. the quality or state of being conscious or aware of something.
  2. a mental state achieved by focusing one’s awareness on the present moment, while calmly acknowledging and accepting one’s feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations, used as a therapeutic technique.

So next time someone tells you to grow up, kindly point out how NOT well being grown has served them. If watching series and movies, drinking, sleeping etc. has not been working for you, change your play. Plan a trip, go on a nature trail, color, take up a random hobby, do kiddie stuff with your kids, do a racing games.

Play.

Even Shonda Rhimes does it.

Wanna know more? Here are some other ways to practice mindfulness.

 

Cheers my players.

To Just Be

by Camillus King`ori [my elder brother]

I think almost everyone will agree that the entire universe comes from the same source, created by the same hand. Yet, I have never looked up at the night sky and thought,  ‘You know what would make those stars shine brighter?’ I have never looked at a bonfire and thought about the intricacies of fire, where it comes from, how it works. I am simply happy to watch. I have never looked at a bird and thought, ‘What is your purpose? Why are you doing what you are doing? Maybe you could try that another way!’ I am simply happy to watch it go about its business. I am yet to meet a man who looks at a mountain and goes, ‘…if only it had X, then it would be magnificent.’

If everything in the universe comes from the same source, then it must all be equal. My ego would go as far as to say man is superior to all things in the universe. Why then, do I feel as if I need to be more of one thing and less of another? Why can’t I look at an asshole the same way I look into a fire; I know not to get too close or I’ll get burned and yet I don’t wish the fire were cooler or more controlled. Why can’t I trust that if the birds had a consciousness, they would be happy to simply watch me going about my day without asking why? What next? What is the purpose? Maybe you should try that. Stop doing this. What does this mean?

Why is it I am the only being on the entire universe that is not enough to just be?

 

PS: He talks just like that… ha! 

On knowing if you’re on the right path…

How do you know if you are on the right path?

When I picked out the sticky note, I felt that this was such a loaded question and spent the next two weeks wondering, ‘Indeed, how do I know if I’m on the right path?’  For one, my life from the outside looks filled with a lot of nothing happening.

Nowadays I see my demons as lizards close to a fire and their reality no more than an illusion. The illusion here is that being on the right path comes with a band, a circus, your own paparazzi and a media station dedicated to airing your accomplishments to the world.

My friend’s mum asked me what I do with my time given I have been at home for the past six months, just concluding a consultancy that took way too long to wrap up. I read books and listen to audio books that change my outlook on life (career wise and as Wambaire) and how I do things. In short I self-improve. Books like A Return to Love by Marianne Williamson, A Road to Character by David Brooks and The Road Less Travelled by Scott Peck have helped me understand that I have A LOT to do with how my life runs its course… a LOT, so much so that I can’t blame the world for my problems really. A Course in Miracles is helping me change how I perceive the world- everything as I know it is an illusion, love vs. hate, fear vs. courage- none of it is real. Then there’s the bible, and other books like the Eragon series, The Looting Machine, Deep Work and The Year of Yes that supplement the gaps in between.

Fascinating Maureen, fascinating…

I can understand the semi blank stare my friend’s mum gave me, really, I can. Culture has shown us that if you are exerting energy on a task that can’t be seen outwardly, you are doing nothing. This mentality is why companies are not as productive as they ought to be. Deep Work by Cal Newport will tell you this. Check things off your list doesn’t mean said tasks were done to the best of your ability, I am learning, it’s how ‘deep’ into the task you went that distinguishes a target met and excellence.

Just because you are paddling hard doesn’t mean you are moving.

I have no pains about being home during this time because I have GROWN internally. It doesn’t look like I am doing much, but I’m coming to understand that to change your life you have to change the map within that directs your life.

Funny enough, working on your inner self is harder than spending time trying to start a hustle or dropping your CVs everywhere. It’s just like cleaning a sewer line that you want to run clean water through; makes you gag, brings tears to your eyes and you hate every minute of it. 😀

So back to the question: how do you know if you are on the right path?

  1. You are better than you were yesterday.
  2. No matter how small, the steps you are taking contribute toward achieving your purpose in life.
  3. You are at peace.

Just because you can’t see air doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. 🙂

 

Cheers. 

 

On the ‘Sticky Notes Inspiration’ Category

Did I tell you how I wrote a bunch of different topics on sticky notes about aspects of life I would like to explore, threw them in a gift bag, and now I pick them out one by one raffle style and I write blog posts based on them?

I don’t want to call this a bad idea but with every note I pull out I’m understanding just how much I don’t know. I’m not talking about having the universal answer because our opinions differ greatly with their driving force all as different as our fingerprints. I’m talking as Wambaire- what do I think? I have vague answers, but nothing backed by more than just my experience, and being that one dimensional doesn’t make for great conversation. 😀

This ‘Sticky Note Inspiration’ category is meant to spark a thought in you, not to tell you how to live your life. Again, I don’t write as an expert, I write from what I know and what research I have done [where applicable].

As iron sharpens iron, it is my hope that we can start a conversation.