Zen Wall

Zen Wall

As you can tell from these magazine cut-outs on the wall (right above my desk) that I love nature and the peace and serenity it brings to my seemingly chaotic thoughts and life. At first I put up these images to give my room character but upon reflection, I craved peace and these images for me are what peace would look like if it were a noun.

Looking at the girl who put these up, and the lady I am now, I am more at peace with every aspect of my life than I was the first time I picked up the glue tack, scissors and travel magazines.

Thoughts come in the form of images. What do you crave most in your life? And I am not talking about velvet cake, I mean things that will actually enrich your life. Get a photo, visualize what you want and through prayer, watch it come to pass.

Just sharing what worked for me. Feel free to share what works for you on the comments section 🙂


Do you flatter yourself?

Then Mordecai told them to return this answer to Esther, Do not flatter yourself that you shall escape in the king’s palace any more than all the other Jews.

For if you keep silent at this time, relief and deliverance shall arise for the Jews from elsewhere, but you and your father’s house will perish. And who knows that but you have come to the kingdom for such a time as this and for this very occasion?

Ruth 4:13-14

Do you flatter yourself?

Before you answer this question let me take you through the story. Or better still, pick up the Bible and remind yourself how the Esther Saga unfolds, the lesson will stick better that way. But for the sake of contextualization, there was a decree that all Jews  be exterminated (Israel really has been through a LOT) because of an evil man by the name of Haman. He was a man, I think, with self esteem issues. He got pist off that Mordecai, a Jew and Esther’s adoptive father, would not bow down to him as was law.

So Mordecai appeals to Queen Esther to save her fellow Jews and she gives this whole excuse about how no one can go before the king, called Ahasuerus of Persia, without being summoned for they will be put to death. Very sad and true. But one thing, as her uncle reminded her, she would still DIE if she did not do anything about it.

What slaps me in the face is that Mordecai pointed out that if she did not intervene for her people, someone else would rise up to do it. I really doubt that Esther would have been a book in the Old Testament if she had not sucked it up, prayed, fasted and found a way round the law to save her people. She would have been summarized into a paragraph and another hero would have been written about and their quest to save the Jews would have been documented in the remaining chapters.

Another thing is that Mordecai knew that God was not a God of coincidences. ‘We shall all be slain! Aaah! But wait, what is this? A Jewish queen? Cool!’ Ya…. No. There was a reason why Esther was chosen- never mind that she was the hottest woman in the Persian empire running from India to Ethiopia.

Point: Ladies. If you are hot, and men have trouble keeping their eyes off you, make good use of that beauty. Better still allow God to use it for His glory. No one will care if you are hot in hell (pan intended).

Moving on. Now, back to the question: Do you flatter yourself?

If you are making excuses as to why you cannot help people when it is so clear that God has promoted you to a place of power then you are ailed. I strongly feel that this is not limited to power. If you became a Christian and your non-Christian friends have not joined you into freedom, what are you doing with your new status to save them? You got a well paying job, what are you doing to lift others up? You have overcome various challenges that others are encountering, what are you doing to encourage them? Are you offering them good counsel?

I could go on. So please, let us not flatter ourselves. Though your life may not be at risk, do not let the opportunity to be used by God pass you by. He will find someone else to lift and share His glory with. We should not let him use us for the fame, but you will be an irrelevant Christian, that I promise, if you do not let God use the position He has put you in to help others.

Your friend? Psh! Who are you kidding?!

So I was lying in my bed after watching a series and a thought came to me, ‘You put up with a lot given what you like…’

Though the thought was from a less delightful topic, I realized that this does apply to a lot of areas in my life. And when I say a lot it is almost to the point of both vagueness and ambiguity but for the sake of making a point I will focus on one topic: Friends.

When I say friends here, I do not refer to this group of people in the literal sense, I am just being polite. There are those people in your life that you talk to and you wonder why you do… You know those? They just outright frustrate you and after a short, or long conversation, depending on your level of tolerance that day, you will throw your phone (on the table, bed, nothing violent) and ask yourself out loud, “Why do I talk to this ___?” and the dash does of course depends with how spiritual (or not) you are at that very moment.

I have such a fantastic example in my life. They just have a way of getting on my nerves. I would almost say with certainty that their purpose in life is to bring out the monster in me. However, I fear going any further with that scenario for the fear that they do actually read my blog and us ending up having this conversation- “If you did not want us to be friends any more you should have told me instead of blogging about me.” But as I endure this ‘friendship’ I wonder, “WHY do I talk to this….person?!”

I like peace. I like it when people give me no stress. I like it when people add (preferably Christian) value in my life. I like going to sleep with a smile on my face, and right before that, I like having QT with a clear conscience because Jesus will just cross His arms and tap His foot wondering what part of “leave you offering on the alter, fix things then get back, do not worry I will not go anywhere,” part of scripture I do not understand.

In the same spirit of not offending people (this is beginning to feel like bondage), there is a certain someone I have chosen to cut ties with because the ‘Zen’ in my spirit was feeling awfully disturbed. What hits me strange is that I do not know why this was the case with this particular person, all I knew was that it needed to be done. I got a really awkward affirmation in church yesterday. Let us just say either our pastor is in the Spirit or he is a really good astrologist and read the stars the night before regarding my life before laying it bare (discretely though) in front of the entire church. Sigh.

I digress. My point is: kick people out of your life!

One down and 1…5…8…12…19…20- I ran out of fingers and toes. Some are just nasty, some are annoying, some need Christ, and some just diss God. My challenge is the person I chose to shut out was the one person I respect most in that lot; I am actually surprise that God was asking me to take a time out from them.

So, dear friends are there people in your life you are putting up with and you know you should not but you have no idea why you do anyway? Ditch them. They are blocking your path to the real relationships that God wants you to have. He cannot bring in anyone in if your space is already crowded. Come to think of it, he is protecting ‘them’; you just might infect them given that you are in bad friendships that most definitely affect you negatively.

Detox it is!


Just a blocked writer wanting to write.

“I know I want to be a writer. Correction. I know I will be a great writer.”

~The clear difference between wishful thinking and faith.

Thus far I have embarked on a journey to minimizing my dependance on spell check and expanding my book collection. In both aspects I have but only opened the front door. The path ahead meanders down to a valley and up a mountain, where a red fag ‘Shakira’s’, almost as if to say, ‘I would love to see you get here’. The vegetation is however luscious- eh who am I kidding. All I can see is sand till and past the horizon and the random cacti for progress markers. Beautiful life begins at the foot of the mountain. Hence my current enthusiasm, or there luck of.

The beauty however is I can buy a book on the streets of Nairobi on any given Sunday for KSh30, which is incredibly cheap even by economical standards (divide that by about 85 to get price in USD if you are really curious). This makes me very happy; for the longest time my complaint for not being an avid reader was book prices. My father, like most fathers, will spend a ridiculous amount of money on text books and tutors to improve my grades, but never to encourage leisure reading or otherwise. I guess what they say is true, when you set out to do something, the world will conspire to see you achieve the goal. That is if we ignore the devil’s fiery darts entirely.

Now that I am on this journey, I seem to have nothing profound to write about (kinda like now?). Some where between a friend trashing my story for its incredible lack of….everything really, and the current drought in my reservoir of adventures led me to lose moral to write. I do not think this even falls under the category of writers block. Reminds me of this photo from Writers Write


But here I am. I know I want to write, I know I should write, I know this writing is part of my ‘giving back to the world’ under the ‘Purpose’ category in my life, but nothing seems to want to pour forth. I want to write something that as little as one person can relate with. If more do, fantastic. I want to be that voice needed to be heard at the right time.

I have a friend who is currently very frustrated by her boss, and not a week goes by without a call from her venting about the happenings in the office. On a really bad day she will call twice and the call could go on for nearly an hour. But she always tells me that she walks away blessed. I fully acknowledge that I would never think up of encouraging things to tell her, but the Spirit within me will quote the right scripture to either uplift her or correct her. Today I sent her a text and at the end I told her, ‘Be still and know that He is God.’ what I did not know at the time was that she had opened an email from her boss and she was on the verge of a psychotic breakdown (I am of course being dramatic). But she sent a response saying that she needed to hear that at that very moment.

What she knows, or might not know, is that I am struggling with sin and obedience to God in my life, so when I spew all these wise words and counsel, I can only be both humble and in awe. First because God LITERALLY takes me as I am, sin and flaws and all, and will still use me (I really want to obey God and not overuse His grace and mercy, so like a good daughter, I do my part to repent and make things right- God makes the worst enemy/disciplinarian ever). And secondly His wisdom is seen in my foolishness, almost quite literally because the things that come out of my mouth sometimes…*shaking my head* let us just say foolish is no longer an insult to me. All in good humor though!

In short, if you are wondering what my point is, I want to do the same for that random stranger as I do my friend. Not as an act of charity, but simply because of God’s love for a hurting humanity.

Confession of a recently single Christian

“In solitude, they will be able to decide whether it is worth asking that lost love to come back or if they should simply let it go and set off along a new path.…In solitude, they will learn that saying ‘No’ does not always show a lack of generosity and that saying ‘Yes’ is not always a virtue.” On solitude by PAULO COELHO 

I  recently got out of a relationship and there are things I am slowly learning. One of them was that in as much as God allowed me to get into that relationship, it is not to mean that it was The Relationship. This is not to insult the person I just broke up with, but rather emphasize on the point that we did not fit in to each other’s lives. The fact that I did what every other woman does- try to change an aspect of him that I require in any friend or otherwise- showed me that there was a problem.

If I am to talk about our time together I would call it mostly blissful. He is (not was) truly a good man. There is nothing more I could add.

Our relationship however made me realize a lot of things about myself and for one, without judging myself, I was (I was going to say rotten but now that is the devil *sigh*) stranded. That is a better way to describe my walk with God. Scores on church attendance, which one between us had the most spiritual answers and who sent the most bible quotes aside, there were actions that contradicted what I spoke about God.

Just to be accountable, given that I have been grieving the Spirit all the while and looking like a hypocrite, I will go deeper. So I drink- plenty of water too but alcohol to be exact. Before we go into a full argument on whether or not drinking is permitted, my argument is that the company and the actions (and words) that transpired after were not exactly…Christian. On second thought they were on the other end of the spectrum, our Holy God being on the other extreme side. He has never even bothered to taste alcohol *sigh* and there I was. Christian walk aside- it is just WRONG! I did try severally to quit but someone or something roped me back in.

This brings me to the point I want to make. It is important to, as a Christian, to get into a relationship with a fellow Christian, preferably one who challenges our thoughts, words and actions based on scripture and does it with love. They need to act as examples and show you where the mark is. And not just dating, even friends, and as my mum noted yesterday, I do not have enough good Christian friends, or rather the ones I spend time with. You need people to be accountable to, people who will look at you and ask you, ‘what are you doing?’ and not cheer you on as you take shots of poison and exchange notes on how ‘awesome’ last night was. By worldly standards I do not party often or even get drunk silly, such occasions are scattered all over the calendar, until lately- which led me to ask myself- no wait, my mum actually, “Which path are you on? You keep jumping there, here, there, here…God cannot be faithful to you, and He knows that such people betray Him so He cannot trust you with His secrets.” *burn*

In my solitude I am now able to know that though my former boyfriend and I cannot get back together, whether any of us changes or not, he has set me to a new path to seek holiness. And during this time I will be saying a lot of ‘NO’s, not because I do not want to ‘hang out’ but because I need to fix my relationship with the Spirit because liquor is not my only problem. Plus He has feelings too, and He is the one person on this earth and beyond I should be most faithful to.

PS: I am not going to beat myself up entirely for without a doubt I, 1) have come a long way since I became a Christian and 2) there are areas in my life that I have seen old habits  change, so I know I can beat this one to! 🙂