Needless tantrums

Such is the sadness I feel in my heart right now. Today I have been moody and irritated and angry and it turns out that I did not have to be. No one actually ever has to be.

I had made plans but they all fell apart because some humans in this land called Kenya can only express themselves through violence and stone-throwing. So Raila Odinga accepted the court’s ruling that indeed our elections were free and fair. But people on the streets and social media have refused to accept the ruling.

Only those who God allows to be in power will be in power. Sure some people do not fancy Uhuru Kenyatta, the president-elect but if your life’s direction is determined by God, and not the leader, then why despair? Why the bitterness? I voted for neither Uhuru nor Raila but you do not see me complain.

I digress.

So because of this minor outburst of violence, the plans I had made- I was to go watch Wizard of Oz with a group of movie lovers- had been postponed to tomorrow (Sunday).

A friend who had invited me did not tell me that plans had changed, which I was not amused by but all the same, my attitude was wrong. I feel rather silly now actually.

I have at other times kept my peace and watched God fall my plans in place but today… Today failed the test of life. Very sad indeed. For I know that God has good thoughts and plans for me, and that He loves me. So with this knowledge, my behaviour showed not only disobedience by not keeping peace but also distrust. Sigh.

How do you react when things do not work out how you wanted them to?

Cheers.

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I just came across this post by Vanessa. The only word I have to describe this is ‘profound’. I consider myself taught.

I decided I would walk back to my Hotel that day, even though I had spent all day and most of my money shopping and my shoulders were aching from the weight of the bags. Flagging down a tuk-tuk would made the trip quick and easy and with the unbearable heat rising up from the sidewalk and bouncing off the city walls and radiating down from above it is a wonder I chose to walk that day but at the time I decided that I would like to wander through the alley ways and stalls and nod my head in greeting to the people of Sukhumvit Road and thats all it was at the time. But it is only in retrospect that we see the significance of seemingly small decisions such as these. We don’t realise how our preferences, no matter how small, act as the fingers and the palms and…

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Random Inspiration #2: Goodly Relationships

At this moment in time I am very tempted to rant of how annoying my night was. Sleeping on a sofa, mosquitoes and car alarms, coupled with ridiculous dreams, is just not how I want to remember this sleepover at my friend’s house. She had family over so I took the sofa. Meh.

I just did rant, didn’t I?

Anyway.

My good friend Goodness- I call her sister- finally got a good man in her life. In our three years in campus she had not dated any guy, and she had only dated once before in high school, and from the sound of things she was just being kind to the guy.

Before I continue there are some thing you need to know about Goody. She is a woman of God and really does live up to her name. She is the most nurturing person I know and I have like this crazy fondness for her, and just to see how happy she is with this man in her life….For now she is off to work and has left me in the house to hang out with the boyfriend BUT I am in her room right now while he is in the living room reading…talk about antisocial!

She was telling me last night that she fell in love with him four months ago *screeching halt* and yes, I do talk with should effects so it is only natural for me to use them here as well.

SO! He (I feel ‘his’ identity needs protection for now) has no idea how long they have been dating. He said two months, then four months, now he says he will get back to me.

Fellas this is how you get shot. In his case, this is how he will get a black eye. Goodness can carry him so you can just picture how strong my Cameroonian friend is. How do you forget your anniversary? HOW?!

Anyway.

Now he tells me me it has been nine months after discreetly asking her, which is a while, and they are both really happy. For now a least, until he forgets another important date like he did her birthday, even after she told him, “It is my [twin] brother’s birthday today…” Men.

This couple has taken steps to ensure their relationship honors God, and that includes discussing uncomfortable pasts and revealing their struggles. They are taking a chance to be vulnerable with each other and saying things they would never admit to anyone else and also sticking to certain personal standards that each had set before getting into the relationship.

What people do, or I have done, is glossed over  shortcomings and other issues to appear put together to the other person. This of course does not work for me because God is in a habit of exposing my flaws so I can either deal with them or accept them *sigh*. I am glad that now I have a solid example when it comes to having a godly relationship. I have always wondered how ‘God and relationship’ works but now, they make having prayer and bible study together look so…normal. In the past it felt fake to me and that would be abandoned a few days later, if it ever happened at all.

The whole of last night I was making remarks about the two, like ‘ah please, you two, stop holding hands, I now really look like a third wheel.’ and ‘YOU! Stop whispering to her, mschew!’ just to torment them and I know the boyfriend thinks that I am psycho, strangely I do not mind, but that is how I show my approval for what they have.

Even in my third-wheel state, what I am in awe of is how filled I feel. You know that feeling you get when you are with a new man in your life? I have that some feeling but this is different, purely agape love. The beauty of having a relationship with God. Same way we humans feel the need to relate with people and build relationships with others, it is beyond me why I never thought of doing the same with God. I know I should feel lonely now that all I seem to notice nowadays are couples holding hands and displaying other signs and symptoms of affection, but I am okay. At lease since last week…

I have a checklist of the type of man I want in my life, but I have a feeling Jesus has crossed off half the requirements because He knows what is best for me; I think I know what I want, but He knows what I need (preach!). And I am not going to seat here and wait for the eyes of my future Mr. Whoever to be opened, nope! He will find me living my life. Sit and wait…psh! Really ladies?!

Cheers.

PS: He just might get a lecture tonight if Goodness reads this post for forgetting how long they have been dating. She will thank me later for this.

Ramdom inspiration #1

To become a better writer, one needs to write everyday, right?

Never mind I feel as though I have nothing to share…

Amazing. Just when I have found a comfortable spot on my bed, I suddenly feel the urge to use the bathroom… Alas! Inspiration!

Is life not like so? Just when you are settled in to do something you remember that you have forgotten to do something? And that has happened to me a lot this evening. About 15 minutes ago my dad told me to set the alarm before he went to his room. I switched off the lights downstairs, came to my room with my juice and sat down to drink it. Only when I heard dad open the door to his room to go get something did i realize that I had forgotten to set the alarm.

Though the last example echos the wisdom ‘do something as soon as you are told to do it or else you will forget’, it still reminds me about life in general. In my walk with God, I always get to a place, and I think ‘whoa, though you blander once in a while, you really have come a long way’ and I get this self-righteous smug look on my face…until the next Sunday service and I am back to felling like a wretched sinner.

And so to rid myself of this feeling (and fluid) I need to move from where I am and continue up the straight and narrow path until I lose sight of the intersection. There are Christians who turned to the path of righteousness and pitched a tent a thought away from the path to destruction. All it takes is one bad experience to get them to stop believing in God.

I like the words of David throughout the Book of Psalms. He talks of seeking God as a necessity, to crave Him even, to desire to know Him with all our hearts and to working to be in His presence always. For the longest time, truth be told, I could not relate with the words of this man who they say was after God’s own heart, but with every verse I read, I feel as though I have stirred a great desire to know who this God is. No amount of ‘wanting to know Him’ could have gotten me to this point.

I may ‘want’ to go to the bathroom but if I do not get up, I will make a mess of things. Same applies if you do not seek after God. For in Him there is relief (pan intended).

 

Cheers.

 

How to turn down a date #40

I start this post with a sigh *sighs*

It is a happy one though!

I am all for honesty, but there are times I have not ripped the benefits of it. Like that time in Class 4 when the entire class was noise making instead of studying, and the teacher walked in and said, ‘If you know you were talking, come to the front.’ A combination of honesty and snitching got plenty of us to the front but I went from pure honesty, but to save myself I said, ‘I only talked because I was borrowing an eraser.’ That earned me a 3 out of a possible 4 canes to my hand. Had I stayed seated I would have been both pain and bitterness free. But noooo…

Or that time I told my dad I was going for a movie with a guy friend and he said no. I thought he was having a stroke when I ask the question… After that suddenly Steve was Stephanie. I am not proud of this part of my life but it was something I did to save my social life. He was not as flexible as my mum, which is understandable…

But the reason I write is because something has thoroughly amused me.

I have been invited for a lunch, and the sad thing, in spite of this kind gesture, I cannot go, and not because of a full schedule.

There are so many ways to turn down a date, all starting with a ‘Sorry…I cannot go for a date with you because….:

  1. I have a busy schedule
  2. I have other commitments
  3. I am in a relationship
  4. I am just out of a long term relationship
  5. My mum thinks you are the antichrist and will be conduction service in our living room at [said] time to rid me of the evil spirits I may have contracted from you.
  6. I have diarrhea
  7. My dad just for promoted in the police force
  8. Niko na hangy mbaya (if you are a partaker of wine)

They are endless reasons to give, and I am sure you thought of some yourself as you read down the list above. But note, in my context, I am not looking to get into a relationship, just a friendly ‘date’.

In the spirit of honesty I did not want to lie or even be vague. So I told the truth.

‘I am fasting…’

This breaks so many fasting protocols but I am sure Christ is giggling on His seat with me from the long silence that followed on the other end of the line.

How does one even begin to argue with that?!

Cheers.

Lone

My path just grew really quiet.

I left laughter some way up the street,

and my friends have taken detours.

My gadget in hand has grown quiet

and my own company I try escape.

Those who treasure me I forgot

Those I treasure perceive otherwise.

I know Someone walks beside me,

and I see Him as a familiar stranger.

I know this is design to get to know Him,

void of all life’s distractions

but like a child who cannot sit still,

my necks looks around for love.

A foolish notion given He authored it,

But my soul is too damaged to understand,

like the detested cod liver oil,

He is my only cure.

If only I can get myself to sip,

and behold the sweet pureness;

His Word.