I will not be yours because you will not read this.
I will not be yours even though you waited for me. You say you knew it was love at first sight, and your eleven year old perception has not changed. You made your intentions known a few years ago, but patiently took the bench well aware you might never get a chance to bat.
I will not be yours because you are different, different enough to skip you and date him and then him. And though I am fragile and slightly broken, I do not want you to try mending me because you simply can’t. Not because there is something wrong with you, no, you are perfect, just not for me. It is because you lack the balm that soothes my soul.
On the off-chance that I fall for you, I will not marry you. I will get back up, dust myself off and proceed down my path looking for The One. I know you are not he because I still have to rationalize why I should be yours. Your heart does not belong here, cupped in my hands. Its presence makes me weary.
I will also not be yours because you take my nos as maybes, my yeses offend you if you wanted them to be nos. You push my certainty off the cliff and leave me helpless; I get swept away in your logic. You use my confusion to your advantage, often leaving me to reason with guilt before daybreak.
But that is not the reason why I will not be yours. It is just something I dislike about you.
I will not be yours because He matters to me. I am not religious, but I love God. I put effort to grow our relationship. I am not throwing stones at you seeing that I am a glass house, but I want you more grown than I am. My past is far more tainted than yours, but I need a man who knows God, not one who merely knows about Him.
I am deeply flawed. Often times you are wiser than I am. That, I admit, is one of the things that made me consider you. But! I pray for creativity and guidance, you read up on personalities online who make more than six zeros at the end of their salaries to get your cardinal points. When we disagree, I let scripture convict me. You follow your mood, reasoning and entitlement.
You are gentle on most days, you make me smile on many days and my cheeks more often than not hurt after getting off the phone with you. You have mastered the art of making me laugh but lately that has changed. The more I slip into your open arms the more I notice how dull the colour of your soul is.
I am not calling myself a rainbow; in all truth I needed Christ more than you did if there ever was a scale; the colors seen belong to Him.
I will not be yours because you will not love me as Christ loves the Church. Because you do not know it is expected of you. That it is what I want from you. That it is what I need from you. That it is what I long to receive from you.
You are perfect, just not for me.
This one thing is why you cannot have me.
.. because you will not read this.