Friends can say the most hurtful of things and years down the line, that stuff can still affect you. Worse still, they will not know the damage they caused. I can only ask for forgiveness from those I have hurt because it deeply sucks.

On that note I shall forgive and forget. Or speak myself to that place.


My lover? Which one?

Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you by the gazelles and by the does of the field: do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.

Songs of Solomon 3:5

This is the verse I am currently meditating on.

I wish I had seen this verse and understood it before the age of fifteen. I think that is when things went downhill for me. Worry not, this is not a chronically of my unhealthy love-life. This is not to offend anyone I have dated but the fact that things didn’t pan out makes me say so.

The church I have gone to for the past year with my mum has given me many a laughs. I have been slow to make friends but I can say that women there are pretty nice and friendly. Some show a little more skin than expected for church but I am not one to judge. However the stories of woman fighting over our single (divorced) pastor tickle me. I am young enough to be his daughter if your dared wonder.

With that said, plenty of sweeping prayers have been made about relationship and mostly women getting husbands. Maybe because I am young and don’t understand this craving/strong desire for a husband but it bothers me a bit when women, and not just in our church, make it out to be so… grand. My perception is that fussing so much about getting a husband and literally having this thought play in one’s mind over and over again is bondage.

May these words convict me when the time comes.

Fine, there may be a reason that you are single but I believe in God’s timing. Sarah was coveted by two kings even when she was OLD; that is how hot she was. I believe that God is capable of renewing a woman’s beauty as she ages seeing that men are visual creatures. I also believe, like Sarah, He is capable of reviving ‘dead’ wombs.

I believe the best way to wait for a man is by living your life’s purpose and allowing him to find you there.

Back to the scripture above: as I was helping make supper (yes, I can cook :D) it dawned on me that I do not want to experience the love of a man until I have experience what it really means to be loved by Christ. The Songs of Solomon tells of passionate love between a man and a woman, and though some of the verses are fan-your-face and make-you-blush type, it is also the symbolism of Christ intense love for his church.

I want to know He calls me His beloved and I want to melt in His love so when the time comes, I will know that my husband loves me just as the Word commands him to.

I want to know that He calls me ‘my darling, my beautiful one’. I want to think of Jesus as my lover and not have my thoughts stop in shame. Most of us have grown up associating the word ‘lover’ with sexual actions but Jesus is the true lovers of our souls.

Therefore women, I charge you by the flowers in the field and all things romantic, do not seek a man’s love before you understand what it truly means to be loved by Christ.



Man! I have work cut out for me. :/




Who’s speaking to you?

To say that I write this because a great need to wells from deep within me would be inaccurate. I have long noticed that I am able to kill a lot more mosquitoes typing than when I lay in bed waiting for them to come forth and ‘embrace’ their death. I will post this in the morning seeing that the modem is in brother dearest’s room.

This is not to say that I have nothing of value to share.

For the longest time I thought that I could be in constant conversation with God as I would be with any close friend here on earth. You probably have similar thoughts having heard great preachers of our time say they are always talking to Jesus. For the longest time I thought that something was wrong with me (read sin) and that is why I could not hear the Spirit as they did.

Almost got one!

In my mini-depression the Holy Spirit reminded me, as Jesus said He would in John 14:26, He does indeed speak. I have for some months now found scripture I had read come to mind whenever I have thoughts contradicting God’s truth or question His role in my life. When these verses come to mind they often come in my voice. In essence, the same chapter in John says that the Spirit will speak not about himself but about Christ, same way Christ talked not about himself but God. Since the fall of man it is safe to say that nothing good comes from us (man) so we can also, with equal safety, deduce that this voice is the Spirit speaking, given that confessing Jesus as my savior awakened my spirit to allow me to hear God and The Truth.

In the span of that last paragraph I managed to kill the last two mosquitoes still disturbing my peace. I must say I am tempted to end this entry. But no.

So He does speak. We are told He is our Counselor/Comforter but nothing is said about Him literally speaking to you as your prayer partner does. It also occurred to me that in Genesis, Adam and Eve hid after they heard God walking in the garden in the cool of the day. He was not always present to talk and hang out with them. Don’t get me wrong. His physical absence did not imply that God was never present during those moments; He is omnipresent.

In the silence of my mind I expected God to be talking constantly (at this point I have no idea what I expected Him to be constantly talking about, I honestly got carried away in my imagination) and I had equated silence to Him not being present, which is not the case. He is in me, surely, how much closer can you get?

My frustration I discovered came from not knowing the answers to some of the questions I have regarding life. It now, again after meditation, makes me wonder why I fuss about the silence in such moments. He works ALL things out for my good. So why is my heart troubled and afraid?

Now that I have swallowed a chill pill, I will own the peace He left me and refuse to be dismayed. He has after all conquered the world even though bad things still happen.

I urge you to read John 14, 15 and 16.

yep! They are all dead… two hours later I could not have been more wrong. Three mosquitoes were buzzing over the fumes emitted from the electrical mosquito repellent. I love God but I really don’t SEE the Good in these creatures.  


Education Does Not Give You Jobs

“Education should be a founding ground for people to get ideas as to what they can do to change their circumstances. It should be a ticket for you to fill a need that you see.”


Remember the time you were in nursery school? Which I am not sure, if I should be happy or sad that i never got such an experience.  Anyways, do you remember those moments, when you were asked what you wanted to be in the future? Even today, when you ask kids what they want to be when they grow up, they say: “Doctor”, “pilot”, “teacher”, “actor” and many more of them. Thus for those kids who can afford to have toys, they will fill up their rooms with items of their dreams. Believing that someday the dream will come true.

Hollywood today constantly reminds us that if you do not achieve the dream you had as a kid, then you are a failure. Here are some quotes that can seriously blind a person:

 “Don’t ever let someone tell you, you can’t do something. Not even me. You got a dream…

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I will not be yours…


I will not be yours because you will not read this.

I will not be yours even though you waited for me. You say you knew it was love at first sight, and your eleven year old perception has not changed. You made your intentions known a few years ago, but patiently took the bench well aware you might never get a chance to bat.

I will not be yours because you are different, different enough to skip you and date him and then him. And though I am fragile and slightly broken, I do not want you to try mending me because you simply can’t. Not because there is something wrong with you, no, you are perfect, just not for me. It is because you lack the balm that soothes my soul.

On the off-chance that I fall for you, I will not marry you. I will get back up, dust myself off and proceed down my path looking for The One. I know you are not he because I still have to rationalize why I should be yours. Your heart does not belong here, cupped in my hands. Its presence makes me weary.

I will also not be yours because you take my nos as maybes, my yeses offend you if you wanted them to be nos. You push my certainty off the cliff and leave me helpless; I get swept away in your logic. You use my confusion to your advantage, often leaving me to reason with guilt before daybreak.

But that is not the reason why I will not be yours. It is just something I dislike about you.

I will not be yours because He matters to me. I am not religious, but I love God. I put effort to grow our relationship. I am not throwing stones at you seeing that I am a glass house, but I want you more grown than I am. My past is far more tainted than yours, but I need a man who knows God, not one who merely knows about Him.

I am deeply flawed. Often times you are wiser than I am. That, I admit, is one of the things that made me consider you. But! I pray for creativity and guidance, you read up on personalities online who make more than six zeros at the end of their salaries to get your cardinal points. When we disagree, I let scripture convict me. You follow your mood, reasoning and entitlement.

You are gentle on most days, you make me smile on many days and my cheeks more often than not hurt after getting off the phone with you. You have mastered the art of making me laugh but lately that has changed. The more I slip into your open arms the more I notice how dull the colour of your soul is.

I am not calling myself a rainbow; in all truth I needed Christ more than you did if there ever was a scale; the colors seen belong to Him.

I will not be yours because you will not love me as Christ loves the Church. Because you do not know it is expected of you. That it is what I want from you. That it is what I need from you. That it is what I long to receive from you.

You are perfect, just not for me.

This one thing is why you cannot have me.

And also…

.. because you will not read this.



Coffee moments: Roof tops

So my friends!

I love coffee. I cannot over-emphasise this point. So much that I asked for a triple coffee only to be told it was same as a double, just takeaway. Yes I read the small print indicating what the asterisk meant but I had to try my luck. I laugh at this intentional ushamba.

As my tongue protests the burn I just inflicted it upon that first sip, it has come to my realization that I have nothing profound to share today. By profound I of course mean rant about.

I am strangly at peace in my life. Does this mean everything is perfect? Er no, this is earth and I am a Christian. I don’t feel angry or agitated by most things. I am guiltly of practicing yoga once in a while but that ain’t it. True peace comes from God. Rest comes from God.

I woke up at about 4:30am this morning and in my conversation with God I wondered what I would like Him to grant me for my birthday.

After an orchestra of crickets played in my mind I realized I am not in want. Better yet, in need. Sure you may think this is associated with social classification but humans have a tendency of not being satisfied material wise. It’s why the extremely wealthy keep working to find ways to generate more income.

But as Paul says in Philipians 4:11 ‘I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content.” so if he is loaded he is content. Broke. Content.

It’s a good place to be. My prayer then that He puts me in a position to bless someone… And that my paycheck to come through sooner. 😀

My coffee is officially cold.


Lazy generation

Before your eyebrow attempts to meet your hairline, we are in this together.

During bible study yesterday we were talking about, among other things, how normal having children out of wedlock has become. It is alright as long as a) you have finished your degree or you will finish b) the baby daddy is in the child’s life (because kids need their daddy! Yay!) And I now add this thought; c) at least she did not abort.

Most of these pregnancies are of course unplanned making it clear that modern contraceptives are not as welcomed as they should be. Which, let’s be real, does to some extent make sense. God did not design it so as to have a husband use a condom with his wife. But then again family planning is important. Ongoing debate in my mind.

So last night my dad gave my elder brother and I an awkward chat about betrayal by close friends on Facebook. This was after declaring how ‘stinking’ (with signs and all) the Shebesh and Sonko leaked photos are. He beat around the bush plenty given the nature of the conversation but basically my brother and I were advised not to 1) take such photos and/or 2) if you have to, be sure you trust the person fully. That is what I got, or maybe my mind read too much into what he said. Either way it is hilarious.

Parting short: ‘Na si assignment nimewapatia!’ I have not given you an assignment!

Earlier in the day while having lunch with a good friend I was asked if I think Kenyans will let go of the whole Sonko/Shebesh disturbing photos and I said yes. People will cry ‘Oh shame on our leaders’ blah blah blah but it will blow over. And fast.

The Classic Fm content shoved down our ears in the morning while commuting tells us that adultery (let’s call it what it is) is the norm. I mean, what is the big deal??!

Fornicating is alright. So is having a child from that union. So is come-we-stay. So is adultery. Right? Well that is what society tells me, tells us.

Back to my earlier statement. There is a small group of people in our generation who are not buying into this moral standard. The moral line is not flexible. If an individual thinks it is then they jumped over the guard rails and are skipping merrily toward the cliff.

But with that said, I can’t hear the voices of this small group of outraged individuals. They are drowned out by the conformity of the masses and rudely asked to live their lives. So they fall silent.

How lazy the fight for what’s right has become. But a toast and a cheer to those who refuse to be silenced.

PS: Sorry about the earlier draft. My phone decided to publish before I could edit the post. For any typos left, I am running on little sleep.