Shelter from L-

These are words

These are words about the words that I will not say

I will not repeat them to myself-

and I dare not tell them to you.

Though these words have been written and threatened

Escaped the recycled bin,

Only to land in folder under the wrong title,

They have reigned in my heart and mind,

Showing no signs of letting me be.

They have camp at my door waiting,

Blocking the peep hole, windows and all spaces

Causing my curiosity to churn.

They have started a fire and are singing sweet, fun, seductive melodies,

Waiting for the day I will open the door if only a crack.

They will, with all their might,

Trample me as they invade my house.

The aftermath will include a glowing transformation,

Decorated by ribbons of struggle.

There after a flag will fly from the apex of my roof.

Red and white will be the color

And all who walk by the street will know me-

‘The one who surrendered to love’.

 

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Gratitude Diary

After the ‘hormonous’ postpublished yesterday I thought to do something different inspired by a conversation with a colleague in a matatu yesterday. She mentioned that we (she and I) are lucky to have jobs because some friends she graduated with two years ago don’t have any.

I can’t promise to do it daily but I will try my very best.

  1. My job- I still get to dress like a [good] campus girl. Looked at the ladies in the matatu today and I felt unserious!
  2. My boss- this woman is too cool. She even introduced me to a site called couchto10k when I told her I was THINKING of running a marathon
  3. My elder brother- he is just precious. I keep saying he should move out but truth is, he is cool peeps. I love him and his silliness.

And one more that is not about me:

  1. No Ebola in Kenya- I have been consuming a lot of media surrounding this topic and though it is distant and I have a hard time relating, the stats are downright scary. 20,000 infected persons by November, said one Francisco Perez, an NGO worker in West Africa. These politicians best be on their game in case of an outbreak.

For real though? Sijiskii.

So there goes my plan to work from home… the kitchen is being renovated and when I left this morning it was but an empty shell, kinda like something you’d see as the aftermath of intensive gun fire in a war film.

I have this friend, shrink, brother in Christ… can’t quite figure out what he is to me *chuckles at inside joke* and he reminded me the reason why I started writing in the first place was because it acted as an outlet.

BIG MISTAKE

happycampo.wordpress.com

happycampo.wordpress.com

That said, here’s my current state of self and mind:

  • I didn’t want to stay in the office. I wanted to go work from home in the comfort of my pajamas, duvet, and if things are really thick, my fluffy white rabbit. Power naps would have of course been essential to keeping my [mental] energy level at an optimum.
  • I don’t feel like exercising. This is nothing new but the defiance levels are at an all-time high. Getting out of bed feels like I have unseen powers pinning me down!
  • I don’t want to run a 10k. What for? What am I getting out of it? Sure I want to get fit but running under the hot sun in Nairobi being subjected to stares as my body parts jiggle is not my idea of a good time. Take me for a nature walk in Karura. That makes more sense.
  • I don’t feel like talking to people most of the time. Folks take this personally never mind that I have explained this phenomenon severally. It’s not you, it’s ME! But sometime, for real though, it’s you.
  • I climbed the Elephant Hill (it’s meant to be called a mountain- some random person decided it ought not to be to cheat people like me into believing it was an easy task…) and it was gruesome. I thought I would want to go to Mount Kenya after but, naaah! Scratch that off my bucket list. Drive me up for the view, nothing more.
  • J’etudie francais maintenant mais je suis TRES fatigue avant ET apres la classe. It takes sheer willpower to not skip classes. I am curious to see how my masters unfold…
  • I have reached my charity spirit limit. I am currently running on fumes.

What else….

Ah yes! I would like to take this opportunity to blame all this on my acne meds. I have to be on them for a total of 9 months and that stuff wears me out. I have been reduced to dunking my eyes in water when they get to dry, being utterly petrified when I can’t find my lip balm and getting random skin reactions that make no sense. Not to mention having to explain to guys I AM NOT USING A CREAM, SOAP OR ANYTHING OF THE SORT… but saying ‘I pop pills’ kinda makes me feel hood… yebo!

That’s about it folks… yes, a day in the life of a ranting Wambaire… Yea… maybe next time I will talk about what I wanna do and not fill the post with a lot of don’ts and negativity. As you were… as I proceed with my emotional burnout…

 

Cheers.

PS: it says on the side effects section of the leaflet something about feeling suicidal…

They call me girlie…

Well said Kimola, well said.

Clarity Central

 Yes, I love make-up

“You’re so girlie”

I looked up at the two ladies addressing the lady in front of me in surprise as she proceeded with an “Oh really”.

“Yeah, you are.”

I put my phone aside, ready to hear what made her so “girlie” because the word is usually used with a negative connotation. One of the ladies proceeded to point out what made the beautifully dressed lady girlie. “Your earrings, your necklace and bangles, your manicured nails, oh, and your make up too.”

“Oh, these make me girlie?” she asked with a smile.

“Yeah, plus your lipstick – the lipstick definitely points you in that direction.”

“And your clothes…and the way you put bow accessories on your hair nowadays.” The other one added matter of factually.

“Hmm, I never noticed.” The lady was clearly trying to be as nice as she could, because she said it whilst trying to smile…

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No need to apologize booboo!

I had every intention of writing this post cautiously but the words of my good friend came to mind.

 

random cat chilling... wallpapersinhq.com

random cat chilling… wallpapersinhq.com

There is one thing that my mother told me when I was younger; Wambaire, never apologize for what you have. In as much as she has told me this severally, I have had to remind her these very words when the stares, snide remarks and whispers of society cause her to ‘lower’ herself into fitting in. This is not a middle class rant but rather about this ridiculous thing we do that makes (most?) people feel bad for what they have.

‘Heish! Ubabie ndio zako!’ (there is no way to really translate this but it’s basically telling someone they are rich) are some of the things I have been guilty of telling people who have fancy stuff that I do not (yet :)) have. What I have just realized is that when this is told to me, I always have this feeling that I am immensely blessed to have what I have- which is an okay feeling to have- but at the same time bad because I have to downplay what is being talked about which leaves me feeling guilty for having whatever it is.

Case in point: my friend Kabera thinks that what I have is really not an internship- interns don’t get to stay in fancy hotels, fly to random parts of the country/continent and take leaves. That is true; this is the first of its kind- or at least what I have heard. At the moment, I am staying that a nice hotel for the duration of a conference. I think my supervisor and I were the only Kenya based organization staying at the hotel. Top that off, some of the people I am working with around my age live in the same neighborhood as I do.

I was asked severally what the point of staying here was and it was asked to imply 1. That doesn’t make sense and 2. It’s a waste of money.

The reason is really simple- there is a budget for it. There is no profound reason because morning traffic doesn’t cut it.

My supervisor left (she has a family) though she was meant to stay for two nights. She did insist that I could stay for the second night; it really was no problem since it was planned for. Last night I nearly packed my bag ready to check out today after the conference because of how it looked among my peers… however that is.

I talked to two of my friends last night and one of them started a speech with something like, ‘There you go again Maureen, doing things because you care what other people think about you and what you do…’ (I know where I got that from lol) and the other was like, ‘Remember the story you told me about Joseph?’ Gosh didn’t that get me to roll my eyes! Just last week I had pointed out that Joseph, a HEBREW SLAVE, was head of the household of a top EGYPTIAN official, then placed in charge of all other inmates in an EGYPTIAN prison he was thrown in AND THEN made ruler of EGYPT with only Pharaoh as his boss. Have you any idea how ridiculous that scenario is? You start off as a slave then you are given all these leadership positions like the natives themselves don’t know how to run things.

cat2

That is what I call favor.

I had a moment of realization that all these things are coming to me because God gives feely. It has NOTHING to do with what I do, feel, say, wish, pray, blah and blah. I also heard a voice (I know at this point some of you have inserted crazy people music) telling me not to despise my position, which I have been doing with phrases like, ‘But I am an intern!’ This is honestly how many of use block off blessings because we feel we don’t deserve it. And we don’t. But it’s free. So take it.

And with that I am FORCED to conclude-1. don’t make people feel bad for what they have, rejoice with them or just find a corner far off and eat lemons  and 2. I’m going to take all this in and not feel guilty or the need to apologize. Because I mean, it’s not my fault! 😀

 

Cheers!

 

19 Struggles Of Having An Outgoing Personality But Actually Being Introverted

Totally gets it 🙂

Introversion Effect

Like many categorizing systems, the separatist thinking behind them attempts to firmly place us in one container or another.  The flaw in these types of systems is that they don’t always take into account the middle areas of the spectrum.  And any system is just that: a spectrum.  I’ve long stated with unequivocal certainty that I’m introverted.  My friends, however, look at me askance, because I’m actually very fun-loving and outgoing when I need to be.  So on that introvert/extravert spectrum, I fall somewhere to the introverted side, but exhibit limited extroverted tendencies.  Here is an article found online that I have updated to reflect this spectrumized system.

1. You’re not anti-social, you’re selectively social.

2. At any given point, you have one (maybe two) best friends who are your entire life. You’re not a “group of friends” person. You can’t keep up with all that.

3. Social gatherings…

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