Sometimes you just have to admit to yourself that you aren’t a nice person. It just makes the wave of guilt pass on swiftly.
I think we humans have a flair for frustrating ourselves. We often say no one is perfect but our attitude portrays an entirely different story. Why do we get worked up when we mess up? Even if we do brush it off, why do we let it haunt us at night and at any other random time? Why do we work hard to attain all this stuff that will make us appear to our peers, haters and parents that we are doing well when you are in turmoil inwardly ?
I get tired of things quite fast, the main one being the monotony of life. I often look to God to avoid utter despair to the point that I can’t get out of bed. I have discovered that business and intense ‘hustling’ is not for me. I would rather play out my talents to get me a salary. I don’t mind being a nut in the grander scheme of things. At least I am useful. Another thing I discovered is that a salary is not enough to get me out of bed. I really could care less about cash. Fine it is nice to have because I get nice things, eat nice things and get from point A to point B, but that just isn’t enough. My desire to live a good life isn’t strong. It only exists because society insists it’s something we should work toward.
What moves me however, though I sometimes lose sight of this reason, is my purpose. I thought I had a full picture but events took me in an adjacent direction. What I have now is hope; small but existing. Hope that God has some sort of use for me. I sometimes wish He didn’t because it means waking up at 4am to spend time in His word and pray (I have an addictive relationship with sleep). I would much rather dance to secular music because the beats to Christian music just don’t get me moving- very few do. I also like some bit of alcohol. Not enough to wake up feeling like I soaked myself in sin overnight, but just enough to get my buzzed and amused with good company. I am not for drinking till you throw up, drinking way too often, extreme behavior, dirty dancing, running off to the car to do the deed with whomever. Basically I like it chilled, talking and dancing with enough space for the Jesus to do a slide across.
I would much rather live that life.
So much is expected of you. I can’t be the only who feels this pressure. I want him to apologize when he says something wrong first, not me having to follow the promptings of the Holy Spirit to apologize for my snappy response. I want to call her incompetent for doing a shady job, but no, I have to give her encouragement, that is, smile and say, ‘Don’t worry, you are still learning.’ ‘YOU SUCK!’ would be easier to say.
I know delaying in doing these things delays my destiny but I just have no energy for this life sometimes. I will delete your number off my phone book to stop me from calling you when I am feeling bad for ignoring you. I will not apologize for making bad jokes- get a sense of humor! I will not apologize for ignoring messages from people who just bore and irritate the living being out of me. I will not come visit you, and heat and sheer laziness as an excuse should suffice!
And don’t me get started on people who tell me how to do my job. It will be done, now just shut the hell up! Oh and the ones who like telling me how to live my life when theirs is a total mess- UUUIIIIII!!!!
I will have to grow up one day and snap out of it. Maybe today, but not at this moment.
I will just sit here and wait for His grace, mercies and loving kindness to pour into me. Or me walk into them. Or actually just receive them. Whatever spiritual phrase applies. Till then understand me when I say I am almost empty and what I am still giving is just leftovers, which isn’t the best.
PS: If notice any typos or syntax issues… good for you 😛