No. I don’t need to get laid.

Dear you,

Anger.

Anger stays, it gets comfortable and convinces you it’s in the right place. It will take over you and people around you will slowly retreat and label it ‘that time of month’ or ‘she needs to get laid’. But it’s none of that. It is never any of that. It gives your soul a bear hug and whisper to you, ‘It’s okay, let me hold you, you deserve to feel this because the world has been so unfair to you.’ And it will remain. You will have a few merry moments and you’ll think anger left, until you are alone in your thoughts, then it makes its presence know.

Just kidding! haha! #not  Courtesy of www.dumpaday.com

Just kidding! haha! #not
Courtesy of http://www.dumpaday.com

I have lost most of the joy of life and I found out that’s what it was from someone going through the same thing. No one has wronged me really but I get irritated very fast and impatient with a lot. The anger is so thick that when the reminder on my gratitude up pops up I literally have to rack my brain for what to be thankful for. On some days I’ll ignore it all together.

The joy of life eludes me. As an outsider you’d be like, ‘What is she talking about? She has so much going for her.’

Enter the devil.

You can have all the wealth you seek and have the right people around you but once he steals your joy you see no purpose in what’s in your life. What’s the point of having all that you need and want and not be able to enjoy it?

That is the tragedy of life. When your blessings are marred with curses, when people and society tell you that what you are doing is not enough and that you need to get something better than what you have. It may be true but I believe that you should enjoy what you have in that very moment and wait for that something better to appear in its appointed time. Attaining that thing you desire is not guaranteed. <- we all know this, it’s just that most of us can’t seem to GET IT! 😥

And though we always forget this when we are too wrapped up in our lives and selfishly so, let me remind you and me in this moment that there are those who have it worse than we do. Always.

Again, this post does not really have a conclusion to my predicament though I do hope it fades. No wait. It will fade. You can’t hold down awesomeness forever 😀

Any of you feel me??!

Yours faithfully,

A struggling Christian.

Alafu sasa?

*Then what?

I always thought that in order to have a blog that serves a purpose I have to be like Cynthia Kimola, you know, writing about relationship and such like topics that generally affect people’s lives. Then there is my type of blog, rants, thoughts and short stories that feel neither here nor there. I can’t write amazing poetry like one Portia Opondo or hilarious matatu stories like the beautiful and multitalented Trezer Oguda. And just like that I have given you the power to take your traffic elsewhere while acknowledging other people’s awesomeness. Ha!

Someone however told me to do me- you never know who’s reading, and really, I don’t.

That aside, you are never truly lonely until you feel alone among friends. That has been me for a while. You want to say something to your close friends but you know they won’t get it so you choose to keep quiet and send silent cries to the God in you asking for a hug at the very least, which of course never comes. You and your issues will then walk to the stage together, suffer loud music in the matatu and at the end of it all try to drive each other off the bed late at night.

Lonely is when you feel you have nothing to offer. Lonely is when you don’t feel like offering what little you think you have. Lonely is the slight feeling of depression, only difference is you are aware that it is a temporary state. Feels like The Garden of Gethsemane. You know that the great struggle is looming, you can’t escape it so you just ask for strength to get to the point of glorification.

Depth!

We thank T. D. Jakes for that.

The thing about being a Christian is that you have to die alone. *erm…dah!* No, your flesh has to die. Your needs and wants and ‘me’s have to die. Then it starts being about God. I haven’t the slightest idea how that looks like but it’s much better than this lonely state. For the longest time being in God’s will have been associated with private jets and huge ministries but I want to know what being smack in the middle of God’s will in an NGO that works with women and girls means.

No one can walk this journey with me. No one can walk this journey with you.

You learn to keep quiet, you learn to reach within and just sigh to God because you have no words. You are walking but you aren’t sure what path you are on. You don’t know if people are prophesying into your life or simply pouring out their ideals about your life into you.

YOU DON’T KNOW IF MEN SHOULD BE IN THE PICTURE AT ALL.

Whoever said all that matters in friendships and relationships is love was a deluded soul and a fool.

What then becomes attached to your lonely state- okay this is specific to me, this whole journey may be quite different from yours- is fatigue.

I mean, is it really worth the effort?

They say that if your dreams don’t scare you they aren’t big enough. I now see what they mean, and I also see why and how people self-sabotage. That’s why you’ll hear things like, ‘(S)he showed so much promise! What happened?’ They chickened out, that’s what happened. I am in that state, trying not to run away from what’s ahead, nervous, confused, tired and downright afraid.

I don’t want this cup taken away from me so drink from it I must.

And no, this piece does not have a conclusion.

Yours truly,
Laboring Christian.