Guide to dealing with things not going your way

This one will be short, so short that I feel excited!

I think this abstract thing we call life has a life of it’s own and it hits you particularly hard when it occurs to you that you just, at any given day, die and leave people sharing at your funeral about the many dreams you had left unachieved.

We have such self entitlement when it comes to life that we think it’s our right to have things go our way but here what I’ve learnt and you have too by the time you could speak: it sometimes doesn’t happen.

So you may ask, ‘Maureen, how do you deal with the disappointment of things not going your way?’

Here’s my response: I build a bridge and freaking get over it. Doesn’t matter how long or how labor intensive building that bridge would be, I build it, cross over and move the hell on with life.

You’re welcome.

Cheers.

Advertisements

Phone addiction

I have an addiction to my phone.

When I am idle and/or bored that is the first thing I reach for, looking for amusement, a distraction, something to keep my mind occupied, so much so that I don’t think. I hardly think anything deep. Deciding between eggs and cornflakes is not what I am refereeing to. I only think of things that truly matter when I write, like now! I do not have a complete thought formed on this subject but it will align itself with every punch of a key.

Earlier in the day I was irritated by this device for it had nothing positive to offer, only a message from a good friend to make me feel like I am not such a horrid person. I am sad that I was not able to go for Koroga Festival, never mind that I woke up a bit past 1pm. I am not into Swahili music as much but I would have gone for the crowd. Shortage of money limits your options I tell you, what’s left is divided between phone bills, transport, chama, Eno for my recurring stomach upsets and the odd packet of Lays crisps when cravings are dire 😀

I really wanted to switch off my phone and center myself- yes I said center. I needed to work out whatever was annoying me away from the influence of the device and the people getting to me through it. I kept thinking, ‘What if so-and-so calls? What if a plan comes up and my phone is off?’ and so it continued until it hit me- even if my phone was off, these so-and-sos know where to find me. My life is not very sporadic and Sundays by default always, apart from Koroga and hanging out with- I am tired! – I am almost always indoors and these so-and-sos know this.

And so I switched my phone off.

I no longer have to keep lifting it up from the table, bed or sofa, looking to see if a message or call came through and I didn’t hear, anxious for things to resolve and get back to that mellow hue it has not been in a very long time hehe! I admit, this is not everyone, it is just me suffering from an unknown case of people pleasing that leads me to do things I don’t want to do and not do things I do want to do.

I had for more than six months wanted to leave WhatsApp because it was draining me. It was filled with conversations that added no value to my life but I was not bold enough to ignore the people behind the conversations. These people, as it turns out, have not text or call me upon seeing that the one tick has been unchanged for more than a week. Well clearly it was not that important. Even the groups I was in, they kept me there with the promise that something urgent would erupt and I wouldn’t be there… and urgent here is referring to the apocalypse.

For real, all these people know where to find me. It also just validated my thoughts on what people found our conversations important enough to transition to text and bare the cost (10 bob for 200 text messages. You really want to make this sound like a sacrifice? Do you?!).

Also I don’t get this breed of people- you send them a text message, they respond via WhatsApp but you wouldn’t know this because the app is no longer on your phone. These people then text you and ask you why you aren’t online. Gosh. As in? *goes cross-eyed with confusion*

Most of all I do not miss the stupid pictures and videos sent my way that added NO VALUE to my life. Very few were enlightening and even humorous and those are still on my phone, all else has been deleted. And the types of people I don’t get are those who’d reduced conversations to forwards. I AM UNABLE TO CAN!!!

Calm down child, calm down…

We take in so much trash and little to nourish our soul that in the end we are drained and it seems, only have trash to offload into other people’s lives.

What I am saying is, we miss a lot on what’s happening around us and within ourselves because we are too distracted with our phones and the constant binging on photos and short phrases that amuse us and fill our idle time. Don’t get me wrong, I am sure there are people out there that have mastered the art of using their devices constructively and are changing themselves and the world, but I am talking about those like me, too conditioned to always ‘stay connected’ and too lazy to think.

I have been reading Americanah- 2 years later and 6 months after getting it- and I was longing for a differently life as is often the case when you read a book or watch a movie, especially when there is dissatisfaction brewing in one’s life, and less than 5 seconds later a voice within me asked, ‘What’s wrong with your life?’ and my mind went blank with response.

Device off and the singular pictures pushed through social media silenced, though things aren’t perfect, there is nothing wrong with my life. If anything, I am missing out on it.

Cheers people.

After finishing some edits on this post, I picked up my phone, pressed the unlock button and swiped the screen. It’s official, this habit needs to be unlearned and fast!

Status Unknown

Silence sits comfortably on your lap,
Kissing your neck and placing her hands around your shoulder
Pointing from time to time at your childhood.
It’s at your feet- a gargoyle mocking you with it’s solid grayness.
It reminds you of dark clouds and mud, pain and shame,
Exposure to things you should never have witnessed,
and there you sit,
broken by your empty search for sunlight.
But alas!
Here comes pain,
flying forward straight into your heart,
not wasting a second on plesanties or a courteous ‘hi’.
Shame walks over, tar-like in nature,
Cloaking and bonding you with silence,
hidden from view like two secret lovers
while pity pats your back whispering
cold words that fall on the floor and vanish into loud nothingness.
Your inner child cries, weeps even,
with longing for truth who’s been long shackled and gagged
at the base of your conscious.
Freedom.
New day.
Where are you?
Your child hopes and faints,
hopes and faints,
hopes and faints….

‘Our Fath-‘ *choke*

*post has been updated. See italicized paragraph.

Life is unfair and humans are deeply flawed. Once we get these in our mind, we are less likely to go about pointing fingers at those we believe to be the cause of our problem.

I am in an awkward position whereby, though I believe in God, He is a distant Father, Jesus is an equally distant relative and the Spirit is the guy who gave me a gift [tongues] and then retreated to join the other two.

The fact that I can’t explain how I am fluent in a foreign tongue that I do not understand and by speaking it my vocals have improved and the singing has become bearable to listen to even in the shower… it would be foolish of me to deny His existence. But that aside, everything else seems not to be going my way, which is okay, they are meant to go His way. Only that they are not going anywhere.

Side note: I am all for the awareness of self and I have come to the place where I would much rather write a piece that will come across as complaining, entitled, foolish, mistaken and victim sounding to a majority of people but have one person gain revelation and begin the journey of self awareness, which is my intention.

Moving on… The reason I am in a slump is because I am a purpose driven person- if my life is not serving a greater purpose, I find it very pointless to live. ‘But you are alive so you have a purpose!’ Being miserably on this planet is not a purpose people. If I am not making a change and contributing to the greater good of the universe, then LORD take me now. It is wasting space and resources. That’s my line of thinking.

So my point of realness was brought about by things not working out in my job and career path. I am not the first to be out of a job so enough with the, ‘You will get a bigger better opportunity!’ I get it comes from a good place but it does nothing for me. The people who are helping me are those sending me RELEVANT links to job advertisements and praying for me. Everyone else, when this comes up, just say ‘You got this!’ That gives me confidence, but anything else, including telling me how people who already have jobs are getting better jobs is in bad taste.

There seriously needs to be a course in this.

I digressed.

I became very miserable at my previous job when it became clear that my great plans on communications where only great in my eyes. It then quickly became about waking up every morning- I am absolutely not a morning person- to earn a salary to fill in the material gap left by my parents- which was quite foolish now that I think about it, but hey, it was my first job with tax attached. My first one and still on my CV was slavery! Ha! Yea, I had to let that one out. But point is, when I come to a place where I see myself as not useful and at the disposal of others for their purposes, I lose energy and creativity, which is bad.

Just came across this article (http://brightside.me/article/why-generation-y-is-unhappy-11105/) …. I can’t! 😀

So in a way, my not making it through the interview of a position I was already holding (women in power, I need to write a piece on that one day…), was a blessing in a way because, though going broke, I am more aware of where I am in life. Let me expound; I had always told myself that I’d quit a job that make me lose my internal balance, and I was so off balance that I did not realize that, while in the rat race, I had this perception of God.

Now, imagine trying to get something (Lord! Give me a job!) from a God you view that way… ha ha ha ha! 😀

‘And why do you see God like that?’ you may ask. Something I came across on one of Prager University videos- The Fifth Commandment, is that it is very difficult to honor God without having had a parent to honor [high respect or esteem- not fear], especially a father.

Sigmund Freud, the father of psychiatry and an atheist, said that in his studies he found that one’s attitude towards one’s father largely shaped one’s attitude towards God.

In an era where we women are crying foul of just how well brought up we are while our men seem to posses only but a few of the qualities they ought to… I do not want children in this space I am in because birthing a child would be an act of cruelty. I fear for the daughter I could have, praying everyday that there is a good, godly and present father out there raising a son to be a man, a good godly man. In the same breath, I would pray that the man whom I am attached to will be present, always affirming, encouraging and loving my daughter, telling her how beautiful, intelligent and capable she is so that she never hears it from another man first, that she may smell deception from miles off and change course, only to walk into the arms of this good, godly man.

So, there you have it people! Ever wondered why you get such a mental block about God? Have a look at your relationship with your father, and please, don’t feel ashamed because that’s what society is wired to do, shame you for having ‘daddy issues’. If they are real and are affecting you, admit them to yourself, deal with them and walk into freedom.

Here’s another thing; none of us asked to be born, so why are you ashamed of the situation you are in when it’s something you had no control over?

Cheers people.

Fountain at Arusha

Social experiment

*of sorts

So I asked a friend if they read my blog and they said they did, which was good (though I’m sure it’s rare), but proceeded to say how it makes someone go ‘Ai’ because the content is me advertising my problems that makes people pity me. This made me scroll through titles to find the truth of that statement but couldn’t find many, just 1 or 2.

I am all for feedback, and this may be true, so something I’ll definitely look into.

My truth now is that I write for an audience either going through similar experiences or simply want to be amused. It’s also, though not happening much, a place to get constructive feedback and a fresh point of view (power to the comments section!!) because my experiences are very singular and thus one dimentional.

So, this post aims to get feedback 🙂 I don’t want to be posting trash on people’s timeline and have them pity me for my many problems now do I?

Cheers.

PS: This may fail. Epically.