A healthy dose of worry

I remember telling a now fading friend that the worse part about being jobless is not the lack of activity or money, but the time in your hands. You analyse, overanalyse and finally despair about the broken parts of your life. Honestly speaking, just like years ago I came to understand why people commit suicide, I now understand how one can be jobless AND an alcoholic.

‘Gosh this chick is so morbid and likes complaining about her life when she has so much going for her!’

So did Elvis, Michael Jackson and every great person who drugged themselves to death. I therefore cannot find validity in your point- implying that such thoughts should be left for the poor is discrimination.

Back to my thought- I have friends who are convinced that I am depressed because I don’t have a job or personal projects to keep me busy and give me some cash. I am currently volunteering at an NGO as the Head of PR and because returns of all forms settle squarely on the founder, I am not very motivated. But still I try, not sure why, maybe to maintain my sanity. The ‘giving back to society’ base fell through. Apart from that I am the house help- mboch– and I do not mind. When asked what I do these days I say mboch  because it feels to me like a full time job *chuckles* we don’t have a help so most work falls on my mother and I… and I… and I do it rather well. Clean bathrooms and balconies give me pride! 😀

As I said earlier, I do understand why people can be jobless and alcoholics. I am not one because I simply don’t feel like doing that to my body. Plus I’m a picky (and broke) drunk. I have in the past four months come to terms with my failings and flaws that I was not able to recognize during my 8-5. I also sadly realized that I found value and worth in my job title- that’s why these days when people are asked, ‘Who are you?’ the grander the title the more worth you are deemed to have. I do however feel the need to emphasize that the question is ‘who are you’ not ‘what are you’. Now that I have shed off this false sense of worth I don’t care that I am jobless because that’s not who I am, it’s the current status of my career docket. This, I admit, took a while to grasp.

Now, because I no longer care this can and has been confused with giving up and thus depressed. To put you, dear concerned friend at ease, let’s just say I have come to understand and now living out ‘So do not worry or be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will have worries and anxieties of its own. Sufficient for each day is its own trouble.’ (Matthew 6:34) I cannot summon a job or funding for a master’s degree so I have opted not to fuss. My biggest worry today was a clogged toilet (no one admitted to overstuffing tissue) and even that was resolved without my input!

I could cheer you on with buzz words like ‘positivity!’ and ‘true happiness!’ but only fatigue and health issues can get you here me thinks.

So, are you tired yet?