As I write this my best friend is deep in sleep, uttering gibberish from time to time and turning every 30 minutes or so, snoring ever slightly. She’s currently facing the wall and right before she turned I noticed that she had a scowl on her face. For all I know she could be thinking, ‘Why are the lights still on?’ I will at some point have to leave her sister’s bed (now married with a kid) and go switch off the lights, once I give my bladder a good emptying. Apparently my bladder doesn’t empty out… 4 liters of water and 3 hrs later I was finally able to fill my bladder for an ultrasound. I don’t know how I got here.
Back to why I am posting this.
As a best friend should, this young lady tells me a lot. From time to time I will ask followup questions only to be met with a, ‘Shit! I told you that? Aki Wambaire I tell you everything.’ In my head I’m thinking… yes, that is the point of having me around, no? It’s not so much the words but the discomfort the words carry that bothers me. I’ll get to the why in a bit.
So… wacha tuchome picha! (equivalent to ‘damn the consequences!’) I have this new friend- okay I think I am having second thoughts about writing this, all the reason why I should- and we have been talking for… two-three weeks now? Said friend is of the opposite gender but the reason why I am so fascinated by this friendship is that I can actually go to this guy’s place, chill and politely sip on a drink and talk till morning. I have Uber receipts to prove this. You know how we females almost always expect a guy to make moves on us and leave us wanting to go fetch a hommie some water and go, ‘Here. This should quench your thirst.’? I haven’t had that with this guy and this is so foreign yet so cool! Buuuuttt…. too soon. I’ll keep you posted if this perception changes 😀
NB: If you are my father and you are reading this, I always take a friend with me. You and mummy raised me well. *cue What A Friend We Have In Jesus*
In our many conversation he said something that made my mission ‘to make people know that not being okay is okay’ sound not too far-fetched. He said (paraphrased) that people lie about how they are doing because society has taught us to lie about how we are doing. I don’t expect you to respond to your boss with a, ‘Over the weekend there’s this friend-with-benefits I shagged and I think the condom broke so right now I am stressed’ when she asks you how you are but I think at this point in life one can tell who can be trusted with matters of the heart.
I am tired of having to censor my feelings (and I have a lot of those, mine and for the sister I never had) even to family members and relatives because I am worried about featuring as the hot gossip of the month. I don’t have life figured out and right now I live my life almost literally minute by minute because if I bite off a larger piece I’ll be unable to leave my bed. Sounds dramatic but do any of you ever wake up on some random mornings and just think, ‘I cannot participate in life right now.’ and if you have the luxury to you fall back asleep you do? Anyone? *cue Disturbia by Rihanna*
Back to why my bff’s words bother me. I understand how it feels to be unsure about whether or not I can be trusted but the truth is I have in the past had epic fails at being trustworthy. Sometime what I think is okay to share is really not okay to share with anyone whether or not I am an active player in the story. What I do know however is that I actively work on me and also finding ways to make people feel safe around me to the point that bff can just blurt out whatever and when I bring up the topic again she’ll go, ‘Yea, oh that. Erm..’ and continue to tell me how that is going. I hope to get there soon.
As I have said, a lot of people are walking around not okay but have to lie that they are okay because YOU have been crappy at making people feel safe and by extension, vulnerable around you. (YOU refers to me too. I feel like every time I make a self righteous declaration God let’s the horse throw me off and trample on me).
So, my question therefore is, are you being the friend/person that provides a safe space where people can lay their masks down and rest?