But Why?

Come, let’s explore the different strains of ‘madness’ within me… and find your relative 😛

We are all suppressing a certain degree of crazy within us. Who doesn’t want to go through their partner’s phone to see who they are texting, even for a fraction of a second? That in itself is flirting with psychosis- props for suppressing it, but psychosis all the same.

SO! I am a super emotional person.

This just might be the first time I have said that to myself out loud…

AnyhOO!!

Exhibit A:

I had not admitted, to myself and others, that I am a very emotional human being. Because of that, I have possessed a screw face, retort to personal attacks like it paid, run away from emotional people… you know, typical macho stuff. BUT THEN, I get pissed off when people close to me don’t say I love you back. Camillus and Stevo that stuff hurts mein!!! My brathas! Why you no love me?

See, classic psychosis, let’s use broken English to detach myself from my emotions. SMH

This next one- I CANNOT!!!

Exhibit B

This has happened to me plenty, and I’ve heard a lot of other women complain, seen it in movies…these words piss me off so much, I ask God to remind me what my purpose is, apart from a potential murder charge and jail sentence.

Me: I feel that… *goes off into an explanation, without even attacking, that a certain thing they do is inconsiderate and could do with changing. You aren’t ask him to migrate to Chelsea after the Man U thrashing, nooo, you are asking him to be a decent human being and respond to or acknowledge your texts verbally- not even all texts, noo, just the ones that yenyewe when you ignore it is just rude.*

Him: Relax/ you are over reacting

*Inhales deeply*

WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN??!!

You foolish man. Are you in my shoes? Would you like me to request God to redo the past millenniums of humanity so that you can be reborn in my place, tell him to fast forward to what I am feeling in that moment, then ask Him to shelf that into the spiritual realm for you to access once He redoes the planet again and you are back to your place? Nonsense!

I shouldn’t have to quote, ‘You cannot be mad at a fig tree for producing figs’ when I am livid.

Side note: You can swap ‘fig tree’ with ‘shitty people’.

Human decency! When did a reaction to lack of it become ‘being so emotional’?

And that’s the thing! We women cannot say anything without being termed ‘emotional’ in a nasty sense of the word (there wasn’t even one, people just made it so like they did ‘hitting like a girl’), so we go about life eating lemons because we have so much pain, bitterness, hurt stored up that we can’t talk about- only for it to explode and we hear, ‘bitch be crazy!’ and that’s offensive to the real crazy bitches out there. That stuff is a calling, don’t belittle them! :p i kid

For real though: you can also tell me you don’t want to talk- that is very acceptable, I have such days. Or that I am not a priority, so that I adjust myself accordingly to your life- honestly is GOOD! And this is not a case of, ‘Chicks don’t like being told the truth!’- Where is your moral compass pointing? Do you even own one? I mean, you can even say you have the memory of a warthog. We will accept and move on.

Relax is not an answer. That is condescending and belittling. At least that’s how I see it.

MALES: Comments section, tell us the logic behind these words, please. Thanks 🙂

Prayer: God, I’d like to know that you are enough. Spirit, walk me into the place where my source of love and joy is You, that I do not place this burden on any human as they are incapable of fulfilling this, just as I am. Help me Lord, so that I do not write such blog posts. So that I can learn to let all negative words and actions go, offer grace for the same, and most of all, love unconditionally.

Cheers!

Advice to my 25 year old self

Two things- this blog is meant to start a conversation or spark a realization. Entertainment is also good; I’m happy if you smile. I am by no means a life expert and what I write here, if it is not scriptural, it is subject to change or evolve- growth. So whatever you read here, don’t pin it on me and label me such and such- I invite you to behold the journey of this one blogger who refused to keep her thoughts and mafeelings to herself, shifting, changing, learning. :p

I invite you to do the same thing for yourself.

5 pieces of advice to my 25 year old self

  1. The fastest way to get answers to prayers is through surrender. ‘You do You God’ is a prayer you should learn to speak with trust and an acute awareness that apart from Him you can do nothing right.
  2. Surround yourself with people who build your character and speak to your spirit. Anyone else is just an extra and should be treated as such- they play an important role in your life but don’t try call them forth to take up roles they were never meant to take.
  3. People will hurt you. This is not news. It is okay to hurt, but move on, and fast.
  4. You aren’t as important as you think. Life can and will go on if you were to drop dead today. Humble yourself but also, be bold about being you.
  5. You will mess up. ROYALY! But be gracious to yourself.

 

Parting shot

“If you want something very, very badly, let it go free.  If it comes back to you, it’s yours forever.  If it doesn’t, it was never yours to begin with.”

 

Cheers

 

Afterthought: Tough year but I am happier than I have been in life. That’s called joy people, and feeling quite blessed to know that it’s no longer an abstract word. Losing my job, falling out with close friends, getting another job then shortly after getting stitches, a surgery to fix my finger getting called out by the bosses for mistakes (I’m not entirely rubbish, they are just being good bosses :D), having to give up volunteering at an organisation I love, a break up, general stupidity, wrong first impressions and sinning like it paid… But still being able to look back and smile? And also remember the good things and how God has been gracious? Joy is real and God YENYEWE loves me. 

 

 

 

Monkey see…

Exhibit A: ‘Maureen, you used to-‘

Me: *cocks gun*

I like to think somewhere deep within myself, past the ‘I can be full of crap’ files, that I am a nice person. GENERALLY. I feel like I need to fill this paragraph with disclaimers lest the Lord smites me; the only good thing in me is Jesus. There. So yes, I think I am a generally nice person but some of y’all test me sometimes!

In this past few weeks I have learnt to mirror people’s behaviors- if I feel you are giving me your all, I shall reciprocated within reason. I say within reason because reciprocating the attentions and intentions of a fisi is foolishness. If I feel you are giving me bits and pieces of yourself, especially if you had previously given me what felt like your all, I will cut back. *’you need to cur-iiit!’*

So when someone starts reminiscing of the good old days when I was nice to them and told them I loved them (with the love of Christ of course, I am rather stingy with mine tihihihi!), I just crane my neck and smile… and cock a gun in my mind. Then these same people have the audacity to question whether I was genuine with lines like, ‘Was it all an act?’ God help you.

God help ME!

I have been abundantly blessed with an on and off switch. While I appreciate this part of me, people generally think I am a cold individual, and maybe I am. I tend to get over my breakups and heartbreaks very fast. As in, I shall be bitter and even shed a tear or two, curse myself and all but give me two days and I’ll be stalking Le Ex on IG, double tapping all the photos that escaped my attention and feeling nothing when he posts a photo of him and that chick… only to scroll till week 162 and see that there are no photos of us together. Alone. Anywhere. But you know, I am not bitter, I just double tap and think to myself, ‘Do I have energy to go make popcorn or should I sip this water next to my bed and call it a night?’

Okay all that double tapping was psychotic, I agree. The ideas we get when we are idle… 😛

So back to the mirroring I was talking about. If you feel that you are getting less than what you put in, try and mirror the behavior of the other person and notice how quickly they notice. I am not saying that you turn into an ass if the person is one, but rather, continue being the nice person you are but keep some of yourself to yourself.

For example, you are in a relationship and you keep saying ‘I love you’ and all you get is fist bumps in return, don’t go on a rant; just reduce the frequency in which you say it. I mean, keep loving them through action, but just shut up about it. Or stop doing things that you feel are being taken for granted. You get the gist.

This is not biblical but if you are a drunk fornicator with a disposition to lie and steal things and people, I don’t think God will pour out His riches in heaven abundantly to you. Will He still love you? Dah!!!

Again, I am generally a nice person, but I can be a cow. That said, if you feel that I am now treating you differently from what I used to, then know that I am mirroring what you give me. But give it a 3-6 month buffer period in case I am the one being cow. XD

Aren’t you glad I am not God? Tihihihi!

I feel the point of this is to awaken the consciousness of the other person because when these things are done to me, I tend to notice and adjust, or just say screw it, depending on the context. So if the person notices and are ready to have a conversation around it, great! If not… ni sawa pia.

Meanwhile, give it a try and please share your results below, in my inbox or next time you bump into me. If you have a better way of dealing with people in your life, please share also so that I can grow.

Till next time!

Ta!

PS: This does NOT apply to your boss. You will get fired.  

PPS: If you have been duly stalking me on WhatsApp, you will note that for the past three months or more my display pics have been of primates. I am okay, really. 

 

After note: remember me talking about good friends in my previous post? Get yourself some. One just shared this with me. This is what I call an abrupt course correction.

Broken 

Reach out, don’t retreat.

Mind Conversations

When I was growing up I knew I was going to be successful. I loved school and my grades were in line with my dreams.I imagined having a family, a beautiful house, a nice car, gorgeous kids and taking family vacations, everything looked so real.I just couldn’t wait to grow up.

Last year, as the year was coming to an end, I almost lost my job and things didn’t get better after that, so I decided to quit my job and figure my life out. Everything wasn’t going according to plan. I finished school, got good grades in campus, got a job then another then another and now I was tired of looking. So I decided to start my business. It seemed like a great idea. Now all my childhood fantasies were on the way to becoming a reality. I had a few friends to back me up on the…

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I got you boo.

‘Wambaire, you really are doing well.’

Skeptics! Come join me as I sip tea!

I had a 3+ hour WhatsApp call with Portia last night and after sharing with her my signs and symptoms of stupidity, she concludes our conversation with that. I think there is something wrong with her because that does not quite sound like a correct diagnosis!

On the real though, we all have those people that see the best in us even when we are ready to file for an annulment with ourselves. At some point during the conversation I remember saying in frustration, ‘I am so tired! I feel like I am going round different colored mountains!’ implying that I am going round the same mountain, it just happens to keep changing color depending on what angle I look at it from.

Detour

So, I am fresh out of chills.

Let is consult Google for this next segment.

Know- ‘be aware of through observation, inquiry, or information.’

Comprehend- ‘grasp mentally; understand.’

I comprehend that I am not alive because I am special, neither am I alive because my purpose is greater than that of the next person. So many young, and old, people have died, and the bereaved will tell you the person had a full life; dreams and were well on the way of achieving them. Even if they were not ambitions and were into selfies, it doesn’t mean their life was less than that of an A student; the most ‘lost’ people often times turn around and do amazing [positive] things.

Back to my point; I could die tomorrow. I don’t want to, but I could. My purpose would not be achieved, yes, but God is not lacking in human resource. The only thing that would be lost is the unique way in which I would have executed the call. I comprehend this.

And then ati I should still be tiptoeing around people, ati I can’t be real on my blog because I will offend so and so and nani and nani will look at me differently.

You wait and see.

On course

Yes, I do think Portia is crazy and in need of eye care, but at the same time I fully COMPREHEND why I need her in my life. There are several breakups I now need to have because this God loving woman pointed out that, while I complain about how so and so is treating me, it’s happening because I LET THEM.

Nuggets of wisdom shared by my elder brother, Camillus:

t-d-jakes-1089165

Ladies these are the friends you need, not those who’ll go, ‘How dare he do that to you! Such an ass!’ or ‘That chick aired your dirty laundry like that? Such a fake ass friend!’ Because yes, while them hating on your ‘enemy’ shows solidarity, it does not address the root of the problem. I didn’t like hearing that I was part of the ‘Great Injustice’ to myself, but it was a truth that needed hearing.

Ladies, surround yourself with women who will tell you that you are doing well even when you feel like soaking yourself in holy water, who show you the steps you are making through the journey, who remind you of previous victories and urge you toward your next ones, who remind you of who you are in Christ, and don’t judge you based on your current situation, who take the time to understand your struggles and not throw advice at you, they listen, nod, pray and then at a later date they go, ‘Oh yea! I’m so happy you overcame that! Aki I have been praying for you!’,  who will tell you when you are wrong and what you are allowing is not perfect God’s will for you, who shout, ‘the devil is a liar!’ out of nowhere and startle you, who will say hi, ask you to write an update of your week and then go offline, and you best have an essay for them when they get back online. (Cynthia, I see you!)

If we are close and I have not mentioned you here and you catch feelings, seek forgiveness from God. Nonsense.

Such supportive women energize me and I pray I am the same to them. This journey is hard without women who project their issues on you, openly test you- as in… si you just come here I give you a hug?

I’ll end the post with this screenshot.

screenshot_2016-10-03-11-25-43

Who are you surrounding yourself with ladies?

 

Cheers.