You know you are growing, and messily so, when you question your own sanity.
Growth is tiring and feels haphazard.
Your foundation is shaking, falling apart, and suddenly you question and challenge everything. That thing you used to do, you question it, along with everyone you did it with. They don’t approve of this, not because they don’t think it’s wrong, but because- ‘Get that light away from us, it’s disturbing our peace! Oh, what? Now you think you are better than us?’
The journey to that moment starts with the feeling that they don’t love you any more. They don’t love you because you have changed. You are not fun like you used to be, you are so intense and uptight! Always seem to be on the endless journey of becoming a better person but failing splendidly at it. You blame your loyalty issues. Loyalty to status quo.
‘Have you really changed?’
You swear celibacy but then three minutes later they suggest the coil. You are dismayed but a, ‘Yea but you’ve said that before.’ Quickly follows. ‘This is different,’ you argue. They fall silent, their face betraying their true thoughts.
They finally start avoid you. Slam you down. Call you a hypocrite.
Because, let’s face it, you kinda are a pot. You used to, kinda still do, fresh off doing those things with them kettles!
You stop trying to connect because they don’t understand you and are judging you. Besides, you listen to their conversations and one of the two reactions take place.
A: I can’t believe I used to talk like this.
B: Surely there’s more to life.
On the flip side, if you’d bothered to ask, they thought you became a rubbish friend. You started making everything about you and started using lines like ‘I’m not at peace’ to get out of social gathering or moving with the crowd. Nowadays you slide in spiritual solutions to what they perceive to be a physical problem. They don’t think that’s cool.
You break up with the man you though you’d spend the rest of your life with. Then rebound with the jerk of the century clothed in ‘he get’s me!’. Or you simply get dumped. I mean, who is this judgmental person you’ve turned into? Ati now sex, alcohol, cursing, crude jokes and my tight friends bother you?
The men in your life show their true colors. They don’t like you deep, they don’t like you challenging. They just want you to go over to their place and chill.
Side note: MMMSSCCCHHHHEEEWWWWWW
No one wants to be around you because your mood is unpredictable; they think you are angry at them or life in general but what they don’t know is that you’ve been fighting your inner demons all night and forgot to bring your social correctness with you. You still have that lingering dread when out and about because loneliness and your demons blew you a kiss as you ran out the door, whispering, ‘We’ll be right here waiting for you when you get back sugar!’
You call out those around you on those things they do that piss you off. They think you’re a self righteous ass.
Your family avoids you, you are a ticking time bomb.
You quit church. You are tired of that shallow concern, that ‘God is good’ vibe people display. Surely your life can’t be the only one in pieces!
You give God the side-eye, but you are very aware that without Him you’d ‘die’. So you read His word and pray. Only to realize the following morning when you are meditating and writing your thoughts down that there’s more stuff wrong with you. You sit, dumbfounded. Then you wonder, is it possible for a single person to be this FUCKED UP? Yes, you are still swearing. You don’t want to water down the distress in your heart.
You can’t blame anyone anymore for the mess your life is. You have to take responsibility.
Despite this morbid picture painted, it gets better!
I am finding my footing. I am okay with the friends I’ve lost, weary of the ones who force interactions or only call me when they are bored and everyone else in their life is busy. I am okay with the ones who don’t know what to do with or make of me. I am okay with keeping my opinions to myself, and yes, failing in some areas, including this blog post (hehehe).
When I fall, I extend love and grace to myself. This bring healing to the inner child we all have that’s been extensively abused over the years. It am also patient with myself, like a deep wound, it takes time to heal and the scars to fade.
Things that make me angry, disturb me, irritate me or stir up any negative emotions are my greatest teachers. Think of salt to a wound. If someone doesn’t keep their word severally, anger and going on a rant lets me know I need to step away. I find a corner or journal, find the source of the injury, dress the wound and heal.
I have learnt that I know nothing about life, and my navigation is found in my deepening relationship with God. The ‘it is written’ line that Jesus said was no joke. Everything that pertains to living is in the bible, with the Holy Spirit working from that knowledge.
Once you are true to yourself, those in your life will do one of three things- or more:.
‘Maureen I will knock that zen off your face!’ This was a compliment- my friend was acknowledging that I had changed, and open to hearing how I got there- for the most part 😅
‘Do you now walk around with a holy flask and wear head scarfs…’ Mocking my spiritual journey.
Alternatively you’ll just stop talking to a lot of people. And they will catch feelings… Or no notice- it is important not to flatter yourself. You will be lonely for a time and you will be okay with this because the thought of having one more meaningless conversation makes your insides tremble as you would when you see a torture device.
Appreciate those who cheer you on, find those who know more about life than you do and learn from them. Ponder on progressive opinions different from your own and always speak from a place of love if you disagree. Let go of those who cause you to remain stuck or hinder your progress, speak to those who remain but aren’t on a similar path with love and at their level, but above all, be true to yourself.
Note: This took me 3 weeks to write. Yea.