When you realize why you avoid people who actually like you…

This post is for the confident people who never knew they inwardly disliked or hated themselves.  

Lemme set the scene with the video below.

https://youtu.be/BqyChjVdM3E

I always knew this at the back of my mind but it being brought to my conscious gave me an Aha! moment. When you take a closer look this is usually brought about by father figures in our lives, of even mothers, who didn’t give us a strong sense of security.

While we have done more harm to ourselves through the thoughts we have about ourselves than anything our parents or guardians ever did or said, it’s time to shed off the blame and learn to parent ourselves.

Tell yourself all those things that you wish you were told but weren’t. Do things for yourself that you wish were done to or for you that you thought were curial but no one ever did. Love yourself back to health and sanity. Love yourself back to love.

Cheers.

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Rock Adventure hiking trail, Mukurwe -ini

It was a tiring, exciting and well spent Sunday at the Rock Adventure hiking place in Mukurwe – ini, Nyeri. The steep climbs and rock boulders along the river bed added extreme challenge that…

Source: Rock Adventure hiking trail, Mukurwe -ini

DIY For the Lost 20-Something Year Old

*thanks Josephat Auma, DYI? Smh! Thanks for always catching my typos hahaha! 

I think that we make healthy permanent life changes, especially those that touch on our internal being, when we are tired of being tired of doing the same thing over and over again. Are you tired of being tired of waking up tired in the morning, feeling like a sack of potatoes when you walk up the steps or being so freaking moody all the time? You’ll wholeheartedly take up jogging or turn in earlier. Are you tired of being tired of feeling like you are in a dead end relationship or work or situation in general? You’ll wholeheartedly think up and execute that exit strategy.

That’s the starting point.

Next, no two paths are alike. AS IN…. For real, NO TWO PATHS ARE ALIKE.

So focus on your own issues and leave Tamera, Dick and Harriet alone.

Time for a not-so-relatable anecdote

My hair stylist (I just heard my African sisters go ‘eish!’) of 3 years closed up shop and I found myself feeling lost. I tried a salon closer to home but this clearly trained-on-the-job saloonist with old-hair-care-mentality over processed my hair and I ended up looking like I have three strands of hair on my head. I was upset so I applied henna the next week to at least return some respectable volume and since then I have been doing home treatments, pre pooing (heeey! Dropping that lingo!), and all that jazz and will only be popping into the salon to use their rollers and drier if I have really have to. Viva la bantu knots! I YouTube-d, talked to my friends etc. but now I have to find what works for me. Some of y’all if you took the DIY route to hair care your relaxed hair would fall off.

The photo: Because Doreen is those chicks. There’s only one shower gel there. The rest are hair products. (Photo credit: Doreen Gakii)

My point is, what works for these YouTube stars with long African hair won’t necessarily work for me. Too many varying factors mein!  Also, I got tired of whining about bad stylists so I fixed it.
Men I am sure I lost you but let’s proceed.

Same thing with life. You can read or watch American or British inspirational videos on how to make your life better and be happier but this stuff, the reason it falls by the wayside is because you can’t relate or you just aren’t there yet. Jogging in the Kenyan culture is left to (humor my assumptions please) certain tribes, men and women over the age of 35, that random chubby lady (hallar!) and those three guys whose motive I don’t know. Most people my age don’t stick it through. Same thing, how is long term saving going to be your default setting when the currently ‘middle class’ preaches the gospel of ‘fake it till you make it’?

Quick one: The more I deal with my internal issues (you’d be surprised just how freaking messed up you are when you start that journey), the less I desire alcohol. Fridays would- lies- Thursdays would roll up and I’d want a drink. If I couldn’t find plot I would commune with my home stash. Nowadays, no home stash and drinking si lazima. I honestly wait to be called and even now I have a blackbelt in dodging.

That’s just me and why I drank weekly. Or almost weekly. Lies. Weekly. Could that be the reason why way too many Kenyans drink? A whole lot of unresolved issues and poor coping mechanisms? Ponder.

So now some of you when I talked of inner man you zoned out because you can’t relate and also, ‘Who’s got time for that?’

When you get tired of being tired of how you are running your life, remember this post. And then you will find time.

And then remember this next part: Find tools (articles, videos, audio, books, people) that can help you figure out your inner thoughts, attitudes, emotions… And give you an understanding as to why you think, do and say as you do. Your past plays a big role my people; most of us ignore the past, not forget the past. There’s a difference.

Because examples help send the message home…

I was in a relationship where when this guy started talking about marriage, I bolted, as in ran for the hills. I blamed it on his inability to communicate, never quite looking at the role I played in ensuring that didn’t happen. Let’s say I lacked emotional maturity and was unable to extend grace to his flaws as he did mine. Most of all, I became aware just recently that my reason for this is because I have been VERY emotionally unavailable all thanks to unresolved hurt I experienced in high school and my first year in campus. My ego wouldn’t let me work on that because, like many women still acting crazy today I reasoned 1) ‘How dare they! And the way I am an amazing human being!’ and played victim and 2) My ego never let me admit to myself that I have been naïve, foolish and was equally to blame.

So there I was years later hurting a nice guy.

  • I know y’all are wondering if I wanna get back together with him… Or even date. I need to clean up my mess first then the rest will figure itself out. Remember, Law of Attraction with a twist: you are attracted to the same kind of mess within you. Some of y’all should stop playing victim whining like, ‘Why do I always attract men who don’t wanna commit to me?’ Girl… check yourself. But some of y’all are lucky and nub a nice guy…then you drive them up the wall. 😏

Now that I know my emotional status, I know I need to work on healing. I have a cheat for this though. He’s called the Holy Spirit. Through words-an article, story, video, random epiphany, whatever- He brings stuff to my attention (memories, emotions etc.) then we talk about it, He tells me what’s up, I forgive myself or the other person, and then I let go.

That’s my thing. Because no two lives are alike, find what works for you.

Okay Maureen, you’ve talked a lot. Summary?

Change won’t happen until you make room in your life, and this room is made when you dump stuff that is no longer working for you. When you are looking for replacements, you’ll get a tonne of advise from a tonne of people. Take it all in, keep in what works, release what won’t and work toward a healthier you.

Then one day you’ll laugh till you pee on yourself when some lost soul says that the phrase ‘As a man thinks, so is he’ is a fallacy.

Cheers my good people.

Growth is messy 😱

 

You know you are growing, and messily so, when you question your own sanity.

 

Growth is tiring and feels haphazard.

Your foundation is shaking, falling apart, and suddenly you question and challenge everything. That thing you used to do, you question it, along with everyone you did it with. They don’t approve of this, not because they don’t think it’s wrong, but because- ‘Get that light away from us, it’s disturbing our peace! Oh, what? Now you think you are better than us?’

The journey to that moment starts with the feeling that they don’t love you any more. They don’t love you because you have changed. You are not fun like you used to be, you are so intense and uptight! Always seem to be on the endless journey of becoming a better person but failing splendidly at it. You blame your loyalty issues. Loyalty to status quo.

‘Have you really changed?’

You swear celibacy but then three minutes later they suggest the coil. You are dismayed but a, ‘Yea but you’ve said that before.’ Quickly follows. ‘This is different,’ you argue. They fall silent, their face betraying their true thoughts.

They finally start avoid you. Slam you down. Call you a hypocrite.

Because, let’s face it, you kinda are a pot. You used to, kinda still do, fresh off doing those things with them kettles!

You stop trying to connect because they don’t understand you and are judging you. Besides, you listen to their conversations and one of the two reactions take place.

A: I can’t believe I used to talk like this.

B: Surely there’s more to life.

On the flip side, if you’d bothered to ask, they thought you became a rubbish friend. You started making everything about you and started using lines like ‘I’m not at peace’ to get out of social gathering or moving with the crowd. Nowadays you slide in spiritual solutions to what they perceive to be a physical problem. They don’t think that’s cool.

You break up with the man you though you’d spend the rest of your life with. Then rebound with the jerk of the century clothed in ‘he get’s me!’. Or you simply get dumped. I mean, who is this judgmental person you’ve turned into? Ati now sex, alcohol, cursing, crude jokes and my tight friends bother you?

The men in your life show their true colors. They don’t like you deep, they don’t like you challenging. They just want you to go over to their place and chill.

Side note: MMMSSCCCHHHHEEEWWWWWW

No one wants to be around you because your mood is unpredictable; they think you are angry at them or life in general but what they don’t know is that you’ve been fighting your inner demons all night and forgot to bring your social correctness with you. You still have that lingering dread when out and about because loneliness and your demons blew you a kiss as you ran out the door, whispering, ‘We’ll be right here waiting for you when you get back sugar!’

You call out those around you on those things they do that piss you off. They think you’re a self righteous ass.

Your family avoids you, you are a ticking time bomb.

You quit church. You are tired of that shallow concern, that ‘God is good’ vibe people display. Surely your life can’t be the only one in pieces!

You give God the side-eye, but you are very aware that without Him you’d ‘die’. So you read His word and pray. Only to realize the following morning when you are meditating and writing your thoughts down that there’s more stuff wrong with you. You sit, dumbfounded. Then you wonder, is it possible for a single person to be this FUCKED UP? Yes, you are still swearing. You don’t want to water down the distress in your heart.

You can’t blame anyone anymore for the mess your life is. You have to take responsibility.

Despite this morbid picture painted, it gets better!

I am finding my footing. I am okay with the friends I’ve lost, weary of the ones who force interactions or only call me when they are bored and everyone else in their life is busy. I am okay with the ones who don’t know what to do with or make of me. I am okay with keeping my opinions to myself, and yes, failing in some areas, including this blog post (hehehe).

When I fall, I extend love and grace to myself. This bring healing to the inner child we all have that’s been extensively abused over the years. It am also patient with myself, like a deep wound, it takes time to heal and the scars to fade.

Things that make me angry, disturb me, irritate me or stir up any negative emotions are my greatest teachers. Think of salt to a wound. If someone doesn’t keep their word severally, anger and going on a rant lets me know I need to step away. I find a corner or journal, find the source of the injury, dress the wound and heal.

I have learnt that I know nothing about life, and my navigation is found in my deepening relationship with God. The ‘it is written’ line that Jesus said was no joke. Everything that pertains to living is in the bible, with the Holy Spirit working from that knowledge.

Once you are true to yourself, those in your life will do one of three things- or more:.

Exhibit A

‘Maureen I will knock that zen off your face!’ This was a compliment- my friend was acknowledging that I had changed, and open to hearing how I got there- for the most part 😅

Exhibit B

‘Do you now walk around with a holy flask and wear head scarfs…’ Mocking my spiritual journey.

Exhibit C

Silence
Alternatively you’ll just stop talking to a lot of people. And they will catch feelings… Or no notice- it is important not to flatter yourself. You will be lonely for a time and you will be okay with this because the thought of having one more meaningless conversation makes your insides tremble as you would when you see a torture device.

My thoughts

Appreciate those who cheer you on, find those who know more about life than you do and learn from them. Ponder on progressive opinions different from your own and always speak from a place of love if you disagree. Let go of those who cause you to remain stuck or hinder your progress, speak to those who remain but aren’t on a similar path with love and at their level, but above all, be true to yourself.

Cheers.

 

Note: This took me 3 weeks to write. Yea.