Teachings from a 4am cereal eater: Part 2

It’s 2:30am, I’m seated on my bed with a mug of cereal on the night stand and a mosquito trap-racket thing on my side.

There are people who drink water and grow fat. Or look at chocolate and grow fat. Or JUST EXIST and grow fat. I’m none of those. I’m the ones that if I skip carbs for two days you’ll be pulling me aside to ask me about the man who recently hurt me. There’s a hot pot with chapatis in the dinning room; my allocated chapati is feeling neglected and suicidal, calculating the effort required to jump out the hot pot, walk toward the edge of the counter top and jump to its death, cursing the cereals in the cabinet above. 

~~~~~~~~

Sooooo… How is your life? 

A cousin and aunt asked me to write something funny to cheer them up. 

I Googled ‘how to write funny content’. Nothing was forthcoming. 

I could write about my earliest childhood educational victories, like the time I threw up a lake inspired by Seven Seas outside the admin block when I was 5. Can we pause and agree just how HORRIBLE cod liver oil is? I still struggle to forgive my mum; it would be open warefare if she hadn’t been adding sugar.

But no… That’s not funny.

Or the time my elder brother fell off the bunk bed head first to the floor…

Nah, that’s not funny either.

Or the time my mother assaulted me with a banana…

Nope, that’s traumatic…

Or how my kid bro chased me around with a knife when we were kids..

Sigh.

I really have nothing funny to say guys.

I’ll leave you with this though:

Kama: Niaje Wabaire

Me: Poa *increasing pace*

Kama: *changing direction to follow me* Na leo uko na haraka

Me: Ni mvua natoroka

Kama: Si tunaweza ingia kwangu mvua ipite? *flips machete from one hand to another*

#Courtinglikeits1900


Cheers.

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Christians Don’t Go to Heaven When They Die

I won’t pretend that I’m not baffled….

Fact Based Truth

heaven beforeitsnews.com

Yes, that’s right. Christians don’t go to heaven when they die. Allow me to explain. If you grew up in a religious background, you’ve likely grown up believing when a person dies, they either go straight to heaven or hell. A simple idea that many of us have been taught, but likely never investigated in scripture because it seemed obvious. However, if we investigate the scripture on where people go when they die, we might be surprised to find that it’s not as obvious as we’ve always been taught.

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Teachings from a 4 am cereal eater

Current situation: eating cereal at 4am fighting the urge to sneeze. 

The mind really is an amazing thing. And the heart? Most deceitful thing ever. If anyone ever tells you to follow your heart, rebuke them because they just want you to go to hell. Then quote Jeremiah 17:9 in NIV like “The human heart is the most deceitful of all things, and desperately wicked. Who really knows how bad it is?” Yes, that last part was a rhetorical question from God. 

Now, this heart, what I realized, is that the older you get, the more intelligent the deceit gets. It speaks like you in a calm, firm voice and we are dumb enough to call it the voice of reason. I mean, it will be a rough day, have you seen the work I have to do? So let’s do this, let’s keep a sour mood, but make sure it’s sweet enough to get pity, then sigh and exhale and let people know just how hard you are grinding, then finish off with ‘But I thank the Lord’ just so they remember you are Christian. 

Child. 

I have been following the Seven Mile series (I dunno if he calls it that) by Pastor Steven Furtick of Elevation Church which I highly recommend. The sermons are based on Luke 24:13-34 where Cleopas and his companion are walking seven miles to Emmaus from Jerusalem when Jesus pops up fresh from hell and resurrection. I won’t even attempt to summarize the series but those messages are powerful and timely for lent. Now, the latest one, Complete the Cross, made me realize something-fear not, Jeremiah will make sense in a bit. 

Disclaimer: Quoting scripture, explain stuff using the word and watching sermons doesn’t make me perfect. Always keep in mind I’m on a race and I do trip over and pass out sometimes. What I do, however, is always get back up, bruised, scarred, bored with life and myself and continue. Don’t hold me- and those around you- to an impossible standard. 

I think some years back I tackled people-pleasing in one of my blog posts but what I realized is the problem never really went away, it just morphed into something more sophisticated. In my mind I always thought ‘I don’t care’ and had my behavior adapt accordingly with my heart telling me I’m a relatively good person. That sadly brought about a constant need to compare myself to others and finishing with a sly,  “Let me not judge, I’m not in their shoes.” 

It’s humble till you realize that somewhere at the base of it is a superiority complex implying ever so subtly that, whatever the case, they are still wrong. 

Sigh.

I’ll tie this in to relationships. Furtick says, “The greatest pain and pleasure you will experience in your life will be in the context of relationships.” And I was short of applauding- my phone was in one hand, then it was 3:15 am… It’s so true though!!

I had been subtly judging- look at me lying- I have been all the way judging some people in my life for how they have/are or have not/ are not being there for me especially when they are being somewhat passive to my attempt to connect with them. Of course pride never let me show that that’s how I feel and my heart always told me ‘some of these people have nothing to offer you’ but I kept the convo going because, well, I’m a ‘nice’ person. 

And that’s rubbish. 

See if you notice what I say next in your life. If not, cool, I just happen to have a lot more deep rooted issues than the average Jane. 😅 

Seeking acceptance gets you spending time and money, doing and saying things that later make you wonder what you were trying to achieve in the first place, because nothing feels achieved or satisfying. The issue is often this; you are trying to get something out of people. You want them to do and say nice things to you. I mean, surely, they’ll see how loyal, kind and thoughful you are, how then can they not come through for you?! 

The second greatest commandment is to love your neighbor as you love yourself. All by itself the concept falls short of hallucination for who can ever do this? The greatest commandment to love God with all your heart, mind and soul is splendidly manifested in our love for others. We are told that those who say they love God who’s unseen but can’t  love their brothers are liars. 

Doth thine heart deceive you? Love God and know you are utterly accepted, and from the abundance that comes from His love, love others. That way you never have to people-please as a currency for acceptance. Free yourself and others today, won’t you?
Cheers my good people 


PS: I really couldn’t come up with a title.

Knowing when to step away from people

“4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.” 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 New International Version (NIV)

For the longest time I have been aware that God wants me to Himself for a time. No social media, no WhatsApp, calls, no dates, nothing. Just me, Him, a desk or carpet and the right content. It had gotten to a point I wasn’t talking to people but after less than two weeks I thought I was free from what God wanted to purge from me. Before things were chaotic or I’d sigh or mschew when I saw certain people’s caller ID, only to get off the phone later and wonder, ‘That wasn’t bad Maureen, what are these ungoldy reactions?’ Or conversations would stretch out… I was empty and talking to people was laborious. 

I got out of that phase so now I do talk to people more frequently and my chats, though not really active, are delightful enough, feeling no shame choosing to ignore the umenitupa messages or those that we’ve establish lost or lack substance 😬. 

What I now realize is I should still be in chat hibernation, and during lent, that’s what I’ll do. This is because 1) I check my phone frequently and 2) I am constantly changing and learning. 

This latter one is bruising others and I am officially becoming those Christians who offend, get offended and apologize in equal measure. There are so many small decisions on what to do or say, and if you at some point of your life uttered these dangerous-to-the-ego words, ‘Holy Spirit lead me!!’ and meant it, He will constantly call you out. It’s always in love so you never feel attacked, but what you feel is stupid when He tells you, ‘Child, no. It’s this way.’ and end up having to apologize. Some people don’t even do that, which makes people think said person is an ass. But you come across equally counterfeit when you constantly err and apologize. Like, si you go figure your life out over theeere then come back when you are well done?

God hides us from people as we experience this messy part of growth but people like me insist on maintaining close relationships. 

How did I come to this conclusion that it’s time to borrow a leaf from a close friend I’m on a break with (this stuff is real) and ACTUALLY spend alone time with God by being MIA for most of the day/week?

I had written a long explanation to a friend about why I have been so bipolar lately but was met with silence. You can see how agitating that can be kwanza if you are bearing your heart out. Thought process went something like:

  • They are pissed give them time
  • Text them and let them know the silence is making you anxious
  • Still silence? Give them space
  • Respect their decisons

But none of these felt right. So:

  • What does the bible say about my thoughts 
  • Think only what is true-
  • Okay, I am like Christ
  • *fuzz*
  • What does love look like in this situation?

We recite 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 as kids but today it got veeeery practical. I could have learnt this ages ago if only I had sat still in silence and spent time with God. 

I’ll still blog but yo…. Listen to God if he’s pulling you into seclusion. You are damaging your relationships and how they perceive you and the God you claim is working in your life. The sooner you do this the better. If you keep insisting in having your way you’ll lose those very friends and attention you are so desperately clinging to. The loneliness will not last a life time. Trust Him, He’s got a good reason for eerrthhiiinnggg. 

Cheers.

“I was born this way!”- Erm, not quite

I won’t touch the Lady Gaga’s song or the LGBTQIA connotation that comes with the phrase. 

“When an inner situation is not made conscious, it appears outside as fate.”~ Carl Jung

I have this 12 week ‘course’ I am doing called The Artist’s Way, and a lot of change in me can be blamed on this book. But Maureen, the bible! The author, Julia Cameron, insists that you need to ascribe to a higher power, whomever that may be, for the content to be transformative in your life with regards to creativity. I am on Week 7 now, 3 months later… Let’s just say I take a few days worth of breaks because of how draining exorcism can be. 

So today as I was FINALLY getting round to doing the weekly check-in, I read Carl Jung’s quote which made me stop. Literally. My brother told me that confusion is actually the brain trying to figure stuff out (did I bother to Google and comfirm? Nope!) so that made me more curious and want to answer the ‘huh?’.The book has a lot of amazing quotes on most of the pages but this one called for a blog post. 

‘I was born this way’, ‘this is who I am’, ‘I can’t help it’ and similar phrases are both overused and abused. For many people it’s an excuse not to change habits they know, or have been told, are damaging to themselves and/or others on a physical, pschological, social, financial, you name it, way. Inner work is hard and not many people embrace it whole heartedly, I mean, show me an alcoholic or smoker that ever had an awesome time weaning themselves off the substances they were addicted to. 

More so, whether we admit this type of thinking to ourselves, that we are ‘prisoners’ to whatever limits us, we are essentially calling it fate. The scary thing is some vices are more subtle. 

So yesterday, after some water works- can we just pause there for a bit? In this filters era, I won’t promise you this, but I will do my best to make you feel as normal as possible. On these pages, bring your unedited self, it’s home 😜

Back to how I was crying… I remembered thinking to myself, at 26, Wambaire, you want to tell me after all these years you still haven’t figured out how not to get your heart broken? See, I realized that I was being manipulated in a former relationship. I knew I always felt like crap because my past sins were ever being featured, but it didn’t occur to me that being guilt tripped in order to conform to someone’s ideal isn’t cool. Of course I did mess up here and there, I was not saintly. See, this person is not a monster, he probably didn’t have a 12 step plan of how to make me out as Gomer, but I bet you this domain that he’d never admit that’s what it was. But you know, Jesus saves. And I also bet you he’ll tell you ‘she needs help’ if you show him this post! 😂 The number of times I was told that, weh!

On the real though, I got nothing but love for him. I’m not about to catch an ulcer or not have my sins forgiven because I couldn’t forgive. 

Upon further examination of myself, I realized I always had a problem accepting attention from people I thought were nice and relatively blemish free. And he is all these things in everyone’s eye- minus my girlfriends-ha! This problem stems from a low self perception. A lot can be blamed on some incidences in my childhood- my best friend always being picked over me by the elder girls in the neigbourhood, a teacher questioning my intelligence, etc. and that’s where that quote holds truth. Because all these things that spoke rejection were not made conscious to me, I thought I was actually fated to be Miss Backseat. Anyone who showed interest in giving me a seat beside them sadly led me to do all this stuff to overcompensate instead of just being myself. I mean, how can someone like him like someone like me!

And so I allowed myself to be treated however.

Tragic I tell you. 

But glad I see it now. Coz some people are getting cut out of my life tonight! Even friendships- I’m not a charity case. If you treat me badly, we don’t have to exist in the same space. All in love, again, I’m not about to catch an ulcer or not have my sins forgiven because I couldn’t forgive. For others I just need to say sorry for being bipolar and operating from a panicked place of ‘they love me, they love me not’.

So, Wambaire, now that you truly grasp you are a loveable human being, what now for you? Stay tuned.

Over to you people; were you really ‘born this way’?

Cheers

Cat fights are overrated 

Side note: This week I have been dancing a lot, I think Maureen has her groove back people! Oh wait… I never really had one to begin with… cough…

Come, sit, lemme tell you how to live your life 😂

So this week I had my first ‘fight’ with a close friend. Fight is in brackets because, you know, we are both working hard to live Spirit-filled lives… I am not ashamed to say that I was the one in the wrong because I’ve learnt to accept myself, flaws and all. Shedding off perfectionism is so liberating.

My main reason for writing this is to acknowledge mature female relationships out there, it being Women’s Week. Now, my friend, after the air had been cleared, she said that if that was the old her, she would have shut me down, and I admitted I’d be simmering in resentment pretending that we are cool.

A shout out to the Holy Spirit and the work He is doing in Christian women all over the world!

Disagreements are normal, especially between broken people, and where Christian women miss the mark is that they don’t want to lean in to the Spirit to ask where their fault lies. (Here I am using Christian broadly to mean women who say they believe in Christ). When I initiated the conversation I knew that since I felt some resentment, something was wrong with me as it were. What I needed help with was understanding where my friend was coming from to eliminate any fault on her part. She helped me through the whole thing, choosing to be vulnerable and sharing her experience for context, and then lovingly telling me that she was on my side.

You know yourself… And I love you deeply for that.

My other example of a mature friendship is the friend I spent 7 days in Diani with at the begining of the year. We never fought once!!!! We’d have heated dinner conversations but it would always be with the intention of understanding where the other was coming from. We also gave each other space instead of being irritable toward each other or hashing out raw nerves for the sake of a peaceable conversation. This was such a rare display of harmony that hotel staff thought we were lovers. I don’t even know… As in… Seriously….

So this week, women, fix your frayed friendships and love on one another. You have one more day. Men, you too coz y’all can be such hypocrites! You dislike someone but you’ll talk like y’all are best buds. We woman are just bad at hidding!

Lessons this week

One, if anyone makes you continually suffer for your former sins even after apologizing severally, for example saying ‘you never-‘ ‘you have always-‘ ‘you can’t be helped’, walk away, physically, emotionally or intellectually. The only one with moral high ground is Jesus, anyone else is a self-righteous prick.
My raw yet most freeing lesson this week. It applies to your friends, relatives,  YOUR PARTNER OR EX, colleauges, etc. and you can detach yourself accordingly. For family or spouse, proceed to two.

Two, accept yourself, that way people who want you to fit their deals won’t make your life miserable and plague you with feelings inadequacy. And please note, true acceptance is found in accepting that you are accepted in the beloved. We accept we are saved and thus won’t go to hell, but accepting that we are accepted as we are is a whole other struggle.  

Cheers my good people!

I like you but… No thanks

This is a new phenomenon for me. 

I’ve often in the past done a pros and cons list to determine the viability of a relationship, in my head of course, with ‘plus he likes me’ tipping the scale to a favourable yes when asked. You women who are mature and learned that liking a guy and that feeling being reciprocated isn’t enough to date a guy, tap you’re the woman next to you-leave your desk or house if you have to- and ask her, ‘Haiya, did you know that?!’

Now, I mean you’ve met his best friend, his family has seen you with him, your close friends and relatives are aware of his existence, you spend time together and actually have a good time and you are able to turn a blind eye to his flaws because you’re just are crazy, or crazier… I’m talking about that guy. Not the guy you met at that party or who always comes to say hi to you in church and texts you once once a bible verse. Or that guy that calls you for drinks. I’m assuming here that you are not just heart driven but logical as well. If he were to ask you out you’d say yes. You know that guy? Thaaattt ooonneeee!!! 

Now, apart from the fact that he hasn’t asked you out and slipping into or assuming a relationship is not your thing, you have that ONE reason why you are hesitant.

My mum has two conditions for me getting married.

1. Do your Masters

2. Get a good steady income.

3. Marry a godly man.

I can count, thanks.

Now these first two I have none. If the latter came my mum would willingly turn both eyes blind because that is her one LOUD prayer for her daughter. Please note, she doesn’t have pressure about me getting married soon, my and my 26 year old self – today I have thrown all prim and proper English vibes out the window, wacha tu- and my giving her grandkids. If anything, this woman has prayed ALL my boyfriends away, even the ones I denied having. So she’s not in a hurry to justify the gray hairs covered in henna. She just wants me to have a good godly man.

And ladies, that one thing, that one that you feel awkward about but are justifying because you also have a wrap sheet and your church attendance doesn’t warrant a thumbs up and a big smile, is the fact that he’s not exactly godly.

The older you get the less psycho your mum seems and her advise mostly makes sense, especially when her cultural background and personality aren’t interfering 😅. So when she says godly she doesn’t mean a guy who goes to church often and can quote John 3:16.

Naaaah bruh!!!

Yes, si you are all crying for equality?

She’s talking about a man when 💩 hits the fan (have you ever stopped to think how much mess that makes in a room?😱) the first thing this man does is call on the Holy Spirit INWARDLY, not act out or suppress his feelings. A man who won’t drop hits of his spiritual journey like, ‘…and God spoke to me and I saw the sun, the moon-‘ none of that drama. His reference of God just fit nicely in that sentence and you only notice it the first three time, after that you just know that how he is. Not these clowns who quote scripture and then mess around with your feelings. Aki I feel like there’s a special place in hell for such people.

Marriage is difficult, most of us just need to look at our folks and see that, and honestly I just have to appreciate how two imperfect people have sustained their marriage through thick and thin for this long and managed to raise my brothers and I without permanent scaring hehehe!

So ladies, if like me, you have feelings for a dysfunctional brother and your heart is saying yes but the Spirit is telling you to drink from the well of life to quench that thirst, si you listen? Please? Look at it this way- you want a man to spend the rest of your life with. Take 90 years, subtract your current age. What’s 2-5 more years of single hood?

Also, please, please, please, this lie we tell ourselves ati I am waiting for the right man when yourself are refusing to let God work in and transform your heart is nonsense. I have seen it in my life 😪 telling God you trust him with your career and provision and can quote and apply plenty of scripture but you won’t let him touch your heart when it comes to relationships is in itself madness. He might humor you but you will be miserable in that relationship. Why else do you think you are still attracted to fogothary men? Men who are just all over the place and self governed?

God is an abundant giver, it’s just that our lack mentality and unresolved rejection issues and other junk are both buggingand limit   us. Sigh.

Cheers ladies.