Letting go of what I never had

Sit with me in silent laughter.

By now I know the symptoms of a bad day. I will wake up in a sour mood. I will not want to leave the bed. I will negotiate with myself to work because I don’t want to be a beggar. I will refuse to journal because I know it will end in an even more foul mood or waterworks, both of which I don’t want to experience.

If you don’t have such days, I’m jealous.

As for me and myself, such a day never ends well. I started with one of those yesterday. For the most part, they end with hours of YouTube and sleep, but in others, if a trigger is introduced, chhhhiiiillleeeee…. (pronounced “child” but without the d. Blame Sarah Jakes Roberts.)

My riggers could be anything, but they all have an underlying theme- men getting away with shit. Anything from a chauvinistic comment that goes unmentioned to gospel artists messing up a woman’s life- that shit gets to me. I could choose not to curse, but that shit is heavy in my heart and I can’t express it any other way.

Because these all sound like things I should bring up in my therapy sessions, I’ll do just that.

But one thing these triggers do is send me down a rabbit hole, which is the basis of today’s post.

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Being molested as a child messes up a human to degrees that even they don’t understand in their later years. If you have been, male or female, you know what I mean. Pair that with a less than ideal environment to grow up in and behold, a mess of a human being trying to get through life happens.

And I have been trying to work my issues out. So when the following thought hit me, I had to just… let’s just say I felt a lot of things.

“How do you let go of things you never had in the first place?“

I’ll give an example. It’s like not getting a job and saying, you know what, screw that job, I don’t want it anyway, it was rubbish, the people are probably xyz, etc. etc. you know, sour grapes. So imagine that with your life, trying to let go of friends you never had, of relationships with people who never loved you in the first place, of a childhood that you never got to experience.

How does that work, exactly?

And I say this with utmost humor despite the space I’m in- it’s like trying to change up your life to be this thing, and then you realized you never had a life in the first place, so what exactly are you changing? LOL!

You can understand the level of delusion, yes?

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While that realization is painful, it’s one I’m happy I’ve had. Unclenching empty hands is easier, and realizing, moving forward, I have nothing to lose with the choices I make with how my life moves forward. I never had anything to lose in the first place.

I also realize what to pick and carry with me. Love. From people who were with me even when I had nothing, even when I didn’t realize I was empty. You are the real OGs.

Keep swimming.

Learning to walk depression “alone”

Before you raise your eyebrows, hear me out.

I cannot take full credit for the recovery I’ve had thus far. I have God, friends, a therapist, my parents etc. who have helped me along. However, there are journeys you have to walk alone.

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The first few years of life significantly shape your life. Sigmund Freud on his theory of psychoanalysis talks extensively about this, but there are some places he appeared to have missed the point entirely. He was convinced that everyone, like him, fights with feelings of attraction for their parents. In his case, he was sexually attracted to his mother. He had plenty of demons, including battling illnesses, brought about mental health.

It is the likes of Alfred Adler and Carl Gustav Jung, Freud’s students, and Eric Ericson who took the theory a step further. Eric broke it down to the stages of life; it is more of the experiences we refer to now, including the phases of finding one’s identity and self-actualization. There are other theories that I am yet to read that counseling psychologists use, but I found this one in particular helpful.

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My mom worked for the first six+ months of my life. That meant house helps, and if the horrors we’ve heard are to go by, my dad once rushed me to the hospital suffering from dehydration. I was a fantastic sleeper, and somewhere along the way, I learned to suck my finger to soothe myself. In those early months and years, I learned to be my support system. Imagine waking up, crying for attention for hours, and yet no one comes. I seem to have resulted to silence. Cry, if no one comes, suck my finger and move on.

This is the story of many people who didn’t have the best of caretakers when their parents were out hustling. I think it was soon after the incident with me that my mother opted to quit her job and stay at home for a while. My elder brother had my mother’s sisters present, so he was alright. My younger brother had a stay-home mother; she quit her job a few months before he was born.

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I learned to figure my things out, and while that worked as a child to save me tears, it is not the best approach now. There are pros and cons to it though. In the past year, I have learned to ask for help. Before I would act out and hope someone would take notice and do something. Now I know to speak and ask for what I need. Asking my dad to find me a therapist for me was a milestone.

However-

No one around me extensively understands depression and suicide; just one person and because they have their fight to fight, I cannot burden them. Others have a general idea, but nothing about a deep hole, a cloud and the loss of hope. If you are in a similar situation, I am sure you are very aware of how lonely that makes you feel. I’ve had to rely on those self-soothing methods I learned as a kid, only they haven’t always been healthy- sucking my finger earned me braces 10 years in.

If you are in this dark space, you might not want to hear this, but you are your best friend and hope of getting through. You have to give yourself what you need actively. How easy is that? It is not; it is still something I struggle with. Taking myself for a pedicure two days ago was an internal struggle. Am I wasting money? Should your broke self not be saving? Finally, I realized that I was in a low space; staying in my room would have made me feel worse. However, pretty feet would cheer me up. What is better?

You too have to give yourself what you need. Buy that candle, go by street food, stay in bed all day watching comedy. Do small actions that lift your mood. Your family, friends, partner and pretty much everyone will not be there for you round the clock. Learn to be there for yourself when they are not present.

You are a better ally to yourself than the voices are telling you.

We are wired for love; send some your way beloved.

Positive affirmations to combat depression: Your Character Vs. Your Identity

Working definitions

Character: the mental and moral qualities distinctive to an individual.

Identity: the fact of being who or what a person or thing is.

Thanks Google.

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Living in your head, I think, is one of the primary causes of depression. The opposite is not avoiding deep reflection. The opposite is a balance between understanding oneself and still being present. If you’re like me, you will spend HOURS in your mind. And Google.

Here is what my mind has churned out over the years; these are accurate and not merely some way to beat up my self-esteem.

• My attachment style is anxious.

• I am a co-dependent

• I have anger issues

• I am still looking at my mustard seed-sized self-esteem like- “bloom baby, bloom!”

• Erm… What are boundaries?

• Cut me, I gut you

You get my point.

I was in a state of one of these episodes but I caught myself this time.

Sure, these are all things currently coming off, but who does God say I am?

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If you have grown up in a Christian setting, that question is rather out of flavor. However, may I offer a different perspective?

There is who God says we are- the head and not the tail, co-heirs with Christ, His beloved… these are all things we’ve heard, and know.

Now, if Jesus came and sat on your bed, and being a Friend, what would he tell you? If you said you are ____ (insert a shortcoming), what would he say?

What I think we’ve done is used scripture to band-aid our pains. I could sit here and say that I am the righteousness of God in Christ, but if I still feel dirty for what I said, did or thought, what use is that? His truth remains, but my posture is what makes it hard for me to accept it.

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Suggested way forward?

Let me use the thought that sparked this post. I was reading an article on co-dependency. The article talked about how it’s generational and something we learn from observations. As I was sitting in the truth of my actions (and marinading in it being a solid cause-but one of the many-reasons behind my many failed relationships), a different thought *hello there Holy Spirit!* came to mind.

“Sure, this is your present character, but who does God say you are?”

After the initial biblical affirmations, I realize that my identity is not co-dependent. My identity is in Christ; I am Christ-like. Everything else is an add-on that is unnecessary and can be shake off. I don’t know about you, but that makes working my issues through so much easier.

I am not changing my identity from being codependent to being Codependent No More, because, identity wise, that’s not who I am.

They are thoughts turned words, turned actions, turned habit, turned character and are now shaping my destiny. But they are not who I am. The work to remaining true to my identity is the same- I need tools to learn how to NOT be codependent. The difference is it’s no longer this thing attached to my essence; it’s a passing cloud. Gloomy, and makes me feel sad, but nonetheless, a passing cloud.

To new way of looking at things in 2019,

Cheers.