A sassy, no chills, guide to my thoughts [you’ll need some ice for this]

Fragile egos, one side. Please. Also, this post goes well with a ton of humor, and if you are challenged, a lot of liquor, and nap in case you’re the aggressive type.

I’ve had this blog idea on a sticky note for months, so today, as I wait for Safaricom Home Fiber to get their life together, I thought I flesh it out and serve you a sassy (some people will say rude) post. I’ve had waaayyy too much fun with this piece! What is a broken filter?

Safaricom, look at you!!!! Si you are bae? Giving me a gift while getting your life together!

“Kwani, you’ll blame everything on bipolar?”

This one, I won’t even bother anymore. It’s 2021; ignorance is not bliss. It’s you choosing to be foolish. Someone’s son asked me, ‘Now you’ll blame it on bipolar?”

I can’t. For someone good at calling out her own BS, I know the difference between bad behavior and my mood going dark. Some think I like being miserable and enjoy the anxiety that comes with it. I mean, it must be fun, right? It’s a lifestyle, ama?

That said, coping is a thing. This is me almost on a daily; “Okay, you have two hours to sulk. That’s enough to meet the deadline.” After the time lapses, I get up and work. We have to make money. Or I decide to take a whole day off. What are deadlines?

“I said what I said”

I have said some dumb things in the past and will continue to do that until death- the human experience. I’m even sure in the afterlife I’ll still have a mouth. When I say something stupid, I will think about it and then come back with my tail tucked between my legs and apologize.

HOWEVER. If I say something and you see me not retracting it, I meant it, and I will die by it, damn the consequences.

“I don’t feel like it.”

“You are foolish.”

“I don’t like your tone.”

“Imagine you won’t talk to me that way.”

“You’re acting like a bitch.”

“No.”

All with a straight face. If I don’t apologize, please take me seriously, take yourself into a corner and ask yourself what you’ve done wrong. And what’s with people, men mostly, thinking that you don’t know what you are saying? I said what I said.

“Excuse me, is you my body?”

Pick up on people’s opinions about you, in the famous words of Nyambura, “Excuse me, is you my body?” Why are you trying to tell me what I feel? Are you a mind and emotion reader to know exactly what emotion I’m experiencing?

Here’s the thing, I grew up with a temper, and yes, it wasn’t pretty. As an adult, I feel I’ve tackled it for the most part. Just as with my demons, when I feel irritated or upset about something, I sit down with it and work through it. Depending on whether it’s a trigger or someone did wrong me, I proceed to have a calm conversation with said person

However, if I am angry at you, you will know. Don’t tell me I am irrational, rude, or otherwise. Again, is you my body? Are you the one feeling what I am feeling? Were you with me when I concluded that you, not me, is the problem?

Sidebar: Mum and I have come a long way. I told her I was angry about something, and she’s like, “Anger is good.” Who are you, and what have you done with my religious African mother? LOL!

“I heard you; I just disagree with you”

Imagine I can have a differing opinion, and you don’t have to abuse me. The sons out here in these streets! Heh, that is a blog for another day. For real, though, what’s that about? Like a woman can’t disagree with a man; you have to be onboard; otherwise, you’re the problem. Over the years, I’ve seen men’s fragile ego at play because I am outspoken and don’t like taking nonsense. Imagine we can agree to disagree.

You are not my shepherd ati I have to follow your opinion. Jesus is. Just a polite reminder.

“Stop blaming your parents” and other uninformed barks

Okay, I don’t know what I was going through when I put this down as a bullet point LOL! I want to edit it, but let me respect whatever I was feeling at the time.

This should be a post by itself- oh wait!- but, to break it down, I make fun with my siblings that we have white parents. What is liberal??? Case in point.

The reactions lol!

I have said some things to my parents that if my child ends up saying them to me, I’ll take that L. I would have it coming. That said, I have progressive parents who can sit down, reflect on their actions, and have the moral courage to make things right. I have blamed my parents for me being in therapy, and frankly, it is their fault.

That said, they are humans, and I understand where they are coming from and why they’ve done what they did in the past. They have caused pain in my life, but it is up to ME to fix myself at the end of the day. Blaming them won’t make me better; seeking healing from various sources is my problem. Forgiveness is also a thing; you can’t heal without forgiveness.

I did some IG stories saying how I love the relationship I currently have with my folks, and I mean it. We have come such a long way. My goodness.

PS: Respect goes both ways. You won’t earn it from me through intimidation. Nah fam. As my famous saying goes, “If my father CANNOT talk or treat me the way you are, WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?”

“Yes, that’s how internal healing SOMEWHAT looks like.”

Imagine ghosting means I’ve healed?

“I am sorry, did I ask for your lazy opinion?”

The confidence that uninformed people have is fascinating. Kwanza, those people that tell me how to deal with my mental health struggles and analyze my emotions for me. Sir. Miss. Read a book. Better yet, ask me. I am an expert at me, not you. Me.

“Sorry, what course again do I need to take in mind reading?” Experts out here in these streets, show me your ways!

“Yes, I looked at my phone ring” and other stories

For the most part, I don’t avoid picking calls just to be rude. The main reason is typically I am not in the right headspace, and I won’t give you my best. When I am moody or anything like that, I prefer to deal with my emotions, and when I am in a better space, I call back. The same thing goes with texting. I am not ignoring you; I just don’t believe in giving people half-assed responses for the sake of it. I value you as a human being, and I will show up as such.

Now you know where I am coming from. I haven’t ghosted you; I am merely gathering myself unless I have ghosted you. Then yea.

“I love you… but from over TTHEEERRREEE!!!”

I am positive that a lot of people feel this way about me, and I understand. Si ati you have a problem with the person, but them being around you is just a big no. I am surprised I still have people I can call friends. It’s honestly shocking to me. I am a difficult human, ask me, I live with myself, I KNOW!

So, when I distance myself from you, don’t feel bad. Rejoice even. I am one nasty human being when I get tired of you or just lose respect for you. You don’t want to deal with that version of me. Ask my exs. I burn that ish to the ground with ZERO regrets. But even you, by the time I am scorching the earth, it’s mostly your fault. But what is the fragile male ego, gaslighting and taking a [im]moral high ground?

I’m sorry, am I rude? If you’re triggered, check yourself. HAHA! Ah, today, chills melted.

“I’m sorry, you said what?”

At this point, I CLEARLY drafted these points when I was pissed off about something, LOL!

I am tired of the cycle I have been in, and honestly, I have been the foolish one. Let me take that L; it was my fault. That said, I sat down last night and wrote down some of my core values, so I don’t forget them ever again. It doesn’t matter if you’re family, relative, friend, romantic interest, partner- whatever.

1. Don’t disrespect me.

2. No one is above reproach.

3. Don’t take my love and kindness for granted- ever.

4. Never used my mental health battle against me.

5. If my gut and spirit refuse you, it’s a you-problem

(That last one, weh. I’d be so peaceful if I’d listen. Damn.)

“Siblings. What are the homicide levels again?”

LOL!!! Yea, some major piss-so-sity right here!!

This was probably about my younger brother. I have forgiven him, but MAAAANNNN, he had angered me! Me when I am upset, I say things like, “I don’t care if you die,” and imagine I mean it. By the time I say that I have sat down, thought about it, and made peace. Aki don’t disrespect me. Weh!

Now we are good, back to being best friends. It’s all dandy now.

“Will you die if you don’t replace the tissue?”

Again… living with a boychild.

But at least they know to put the toilet seat down. That’s something, no?

“That’s what I said to my mama” and other stories

I have repented, but I’ll understand if I live a short life based on the 5th commandment. To think that a mother-in-law will escape me calling out bad behavior. As Ricky said, “You have balls of steel.” No one is above reproach imagine. I won’t be malicious, but I will call a spade a spade to the boychild. Vumilia is you and the previous generation. Siko hapo.

What’s with this pedestal people have placed their parents on? Yes, respect them, but don’t endorse bad behavior. Si, even parents, are told in the Bible not to provoke their children to anger? Ah-ah! Please. That said, my family culture is different, and we don’t take bullying lying down.

(My mouth and face do need deliverance, though. Let me not pretend I am entirely proud of how I talk when emotionally charged. Case in point, this post).

“Copy-pasting your parent’s marriage: are you a clone?”

This goes across the board. If your mother endured domestic violence, don’t repeat the cycle. If your father didn’t enter the kitchen, and you’re still asking your wife to help with the bills, please stop. If your parents gave you epic beatdowns, don’t repeat it with your children.

Too many broken people in relationships. Too many. If you haven’t dealt with your family trauma, please don’t get married or even have children. The world is already broken, don’t contribute to the problem.

That said, context is everything. If your mother enjoyed cooking and girl child has strengths in other areas, adapt. Don’t try to turn her into your mother’s clone. It’s dysfunctional and honestly disturbing. And you women wanting cars not caring where boychild is getting money from yet you come from a two-parent household with no cars… I mean, thrive, but that can’t be a dating criterion.

Season finale: “Did I offend you? Aki pole.”

Bassss… Woiye… Aki…. Bassss… Bassss…

I’m sorry?! LOL!

You’ve read this far!

Thanks for indulging me in this rant that I have honestly laughed myself through. Weh, when a woman is pissed off… Anyhoo! As always, thanks for stopping by.

Cheers!

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