Know your value

I’ve been having dreams that strangely resemble my childhood- overlooked and picked last… but even that’s an esteemed way to put it coz it’s more like ‘join that team’ type of vibe.

I’m awesome. I’m also beautiful, inside and out. I’m hella confident in who I am. Yes, this is the part you look around you for the nearest trash to bin your assumptions about where this was going. 😊

For me these dreams were out of order and I needed to find out why. You know how I keep saying check your childhood because by age 6 most of your core values are cemented? In Pre-Unit to Class One I was sure I was disliked. That did affect me, yes, and for the longest time I was that cousin/classmate who couldn’t be made fun of because she’s too aggressive or defensive. Because growing up is a thing, I worked on that and mellowed out. That’s why Le Copin can trash-talk all he wants as he whoops my ass in a card game and I won’t take it personally.

That said, knowing my value and what I have to bring to the table (Michelle Obama this is all you) makes me a LOT less inclined to take trash from people. Or generally tolerate shadiness. I’m not saying that in a prideful way but, surely, if you lack professionalism I’ll handle you. If you are emotionally manipulative, you’ll look for me and not find me etc. But there’s a but.

Look for inconsistencies in your life. What childhood value are you upholding that don’t serve you? What bad experience did you have in your teens that made you believe marriage is a game of ‘at least I have a spouse’ while loneliness wraps you with bared wire all the while you claim how holy the institution of marriage is? What boss screwed you over and now it’s all a game of how much can you get away with and it still be ‘trivial’ and ‘legal’ as you wonder when justice will be back from holiday?

Know yourself. That way you’ll know what’s not you and course correct. If something is off, don’t spray pesticide on the weed. Uproot that thing! That way, at the very least, you won’t dream about it.

*rolls eyes*


Cheers.


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Other side of pain

Have you ever thought ‘if they only understood me they’d know where I am coming from’ especially when we are wrongly branded or unjustly punished for something we did or said that was from a seemingly good place? I say seemingly because our hearts are quite often ‘desperately wicked’ and cannot be trusted.

As I muse on this, it’s occurred to me that I am equally judging the other person.

I’m learning to make peace with the reality that those around you will not always understand you. Only trust that they didn’t wake up with an item on their to do list named ‘hurt so-and-so’.

I’m learning to own my emotions, my perceived views on other people, and my actions. Peace is in the mind, not in the calm of the day.

I’m learning to not ignore the pain,  to make peace with the pain, but not to dwell on it. Denial of pain is a guaranteed path to a life of misery.

I’m learning to instead focus on the lesson, as this molds me and makes my edges smoother.

I am learning forgiveness and love.

Food and booze ≠ sex

This is a very touchy topic. And yes, pun intended.

At what point did a life necessity and a liquid that clouds your judgment become a currency for sex?

I remember having an awkward conversation with a guy some years back letting him know that I was not okay with his asking for a kiss and such like favors after a night out. I didn’t ask you to pay for my drinks. I mean, thanks, but if we didn’t agree at the beginning of the night that we’ll do naughty naughty, then please, don’t ask. Make your intentions clear from the get-go.

‘Wambaire these days you’re lost!‘ it’s because of this nonsense. Actually.

I brought this logic to a guy friend last night and he implied that women do know what’s coming. “If a guy throws drinks all night, and at 5 am you start stories… Nah!” I get it, society has told us that if a guy ‘invests’ in you all night, you are meant to sleep with him.

Heads are being nodded, cool…

But how is this okay? At what point was this logic made acceptable? I’d like to know when we took this road and how to get back.

I get the ‘thirsty broke girl’ phenomenon, and I will get round to that on a later post because I am in no means saying that women are blameless in this insane logic, but for now, my gentlemen, I am addressing you.

I have amazing brothers. The toilet seat is always down and with no pee or pee stains. That is how I KNOW they respect me as a sister. It’s not ‘but men…’ no, it is human decency. I see how my elder brother treats his lady. I can’t say much about my younger brother- I don’t want him having to explain to my very African folks why he’s not focusing on his studies 😀 Watching my dad fuss over his wife, my dear mother, when we are out for a meal is just the sweetest thing ever. Given the option he’d probably go to the kitchen and make sure they nail her order.

And that is my utopia, and the reason why I don’t understand how, to be specific, food and drinks are a currency for sex. Si you give me that cash? Like I could put it to better use, ha! I’m sure some females out there are nodding. #thestruggleisreal

A no, is a no, is a no. Once you put a ‘but’ at the beginning of a sentence, men who fall into that category, I have a problem with you. This excuse that ‘women don’t know what they want’ as a reason to overrule her no makes you an opportunist and God forbid your mother, sister, daughter, whoever meets a man like you.

You are an independent thinker, bold, takes charge and makes firm decisions. Why are you suddenly such a spaghetti  when it comes to self-control? Can you show me scientific evidence that backs your ‘but I am a man’ for infringing on the rights of a woman to say no? Imagine I have shifted to science because if we were all upstanding Christians, or people ascribing to a religion as a good number do, we wouldn’t be having this conversation.

Maureen, it’s a monologue…

See your petty self.

But Wambaire, we are all grown ups!

Can we not play politics and silly PR and address the issue?

Taking out a woman on a date that you will not wife, or at least date (FAITHFULLY) is a stupid investment. It’s not even an investment, it’s a liability because that ‘no’ is real. Those who rape women are beasts- I see where the metaphor came from- savage and lacking in self-control. Gentleman, if we you still want to debate how fucking a woman who’s clearly not in a right mind is not rape then I think there is a special corner for you in hell. Tell me this, if you are sure this chick will not have sex with you sober, what part of your brain houses the thought that it’s okay when she is drunk? Pris, tell me, I have a hammer that can correct that sort of malfunction.

Dear reader, as I sat talking to my friend last night such heaviness came over me because if men don’t have these conversations among themselves, what is the purpose of these 3000+ characters?

On accepting that life is hard…

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” – Reinhold Niebuhr

After thought: My mind is fuzzy about this one, and like everything I write, this is just an opinion. You got something contrary? I’d be happy to have a conversation with you- iron does sharpen iron after all. 

We often spend energy on things we cannot change, like for ladies, men 😀 On a grander scale, if you have to pick your battles, like the book by Mark Manson, we have to learn The Subtle Art of Giving a F*ck. We spend a lot of time complaining about things we can’t change- like the weather- and even more time complaining about things we can change, like our weight.

Disclaimer: I’m learning this. I’ll probably forget this along the way, so if I do, please send me this link. You might get a side eye but I’ll appreciate. 😛

When we experience perceived ‘injustices’ we forget that life is hard. KJV John 16:33 Jesus says ‘These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.’ The Son of God tells you that life is hard, so why are we surprised when things go wrong?

Please note that I am not saying that you keep quiet when something is wrong. Anger, used correctly, does bring about results. You do however need to know when to ‘care’ and when to ‘let that ish go’.

It would be nice not to care about stuff huh? Be indifferent and super calm even when things go right or wrong… Caring takes so much energy and feeling nothing seems more ideal…

If you said yes, congratulations, you just displayed the symptoms of a psychopath! *claps*

If something that has made you emit negative energy  spills over to tomorrow, or what worried you yesterday spills over to today, there’s a problem with you, not the world, because we already know the world has a problem.

Men who’ve mastered the art of letting go and not revisiting anything negative used to irritate the life out of me. I am that type that wants to discuss an issue 5 different ways and how it has affected me and will potentially cause problems in the future. I dunno if it’s growth or age but I don’t have that much energy anymore; spending my energy on things within my control, like being present and having a positive attitude, have become my priority.

Want the serenity to accept the things you cannot change? Here’s a point of view to ponder on: wanting positive experience is a negative experience. Accepting a negative experience is a positive experience.

The best thing you can do for yourself is remember that every time something wrong happens. Wanting to be happy all the time is a sickness and a cause of worry in terms of one’s mental health. The fact that you are avoiding pain means you DO care about pain, so how about embracing the pain that comes with things you cannot change and learning and growing from it?

3 Not only so, but we[c] also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope.” Romans 5:3-4 (NIV)

If you can change it, take courage and do that thing 🙂

Cheers.

 

 

PS: Why is my brain so tired?

 

The Illusion of Self

I’d set out to write about ‘what makes you you’ and did quite a bit of research but because I figured you’re here to read my thoughts and not an essay, I’ll try keep it chilled. 

For now. 

From the School of Google there are varying thoughts on what makes you, well, you. Some say your brain defines you, some say your memories… Head over to Wait But Why here, the author did such a good job that by the end of it he realized he didn’t know who he was. 

‘What makes you you’ didn’t churn out a lot results online so I headed over to a few psychology websites to answer ‘who am I?’ And basically I’m a fake. 

And you’re a fake, and everybody is a fake!!! Yaaaa!!! Fake for everybody!

Disclaimer: I’ve had no sleep last night so I am a bit dark. 🤓😁

It’s called The Illusion of Self. It basically says that the illusion of who we are is in the mind, not nature. Perfect example: afrer a girls night at my friend’s, these two women (oh dear, I think they have a point🙈) have the audacity to tell me that I am heartless and emotionless. I commuted twice to feed someone’s cat while they were away for crying out loud! I’m a nice person! 

Or so I tell myself. 

Our perception of reality and even ourselves is generated by our brains. ‘Self’ is an intergrated individual inhabiting a body, ‘I’ is the conscious and aware present version of ourselves and ‘me’ is who we think we are with regards to our past, present and future. You can see the problem already. According to the author of The Ilusion Of Self (2012) *Bruce Hood, the illusion is ‘an experience of something that is not what it seems’. The dictionary could have told me that but the ideas I’ll share with you are his, but the spice and sauce is mine. 

So in my mind I think of myself as nice because I try to be a decent human being but my inability to register facial expressions ranging outside the ‘go kill yourself’ spectrum has people thinking otherwise. This ‘nice’ self is generated by my brain to help me relate with the outside world causing me to, well, be nice. Because good Christians are meant to be nice people. Illusions are also a great way of showing us that our brain is playing tricks on us. How people look at the same image and see two different things or one person think someone is nice and the other think that a homocide is in order just shows how the ‘self’ is a mish mash of different parts of our brains that combine our thoughts, experiences and behavior into a narrative. 

We are storytellers and the main charater in our drama. 

Oliver Sacks, a neurologist, through study has found that an inability to form a narrative of self hampers our path to meaning, satisfaction and happiness. This was the case in patients who’ve lost functions in some areas of their brain specially the region where memories reside. I thought I let you know that a narattive is important lest you despair. 

Totally unrelated: My dad’s uncle (Maureen, you mean your grandfather? 🤔) has dementia but this man, though he has no idea who anyone is, told my dad, ‘Good people live here.’ That’s how you know what a beautiful spirit his wife has. #goals

Basically guys, there is no you or me. Saying you know yourself is an oxymoron. No one is solid, we are changeable, often mechanical and delusional. We think we can figure life and ourselves out but we can’t, we can only perfect the narrative of who we think we are. I know I haven’t, that’s why I’ll tell myself things like, ‘If only they got to see the real me’… *cue Jesus*

You don’t have to take my word for this, there are counter argumets and different schools of thought out there. I just thought I work on being whole and balanced, not just partaking in one narrative given to me since birth.

Anyhoo, who does your narrative say you are? 

Cheers

*Accreditation is sexy.


Teachings from a 4am cereal eater: Part 3

How many people do you know or have heard about that died as a result of a misdiagnosis?

Stepping away from our bodies, how much crap have you gotten into by operating governed by a wrong perspective? It could be someone set you up or your brain led you to operate from pre-existing biases and you absolutely, spectacular and completely missed the mark, but point is it sucks to be in that space. Some times you can do damage control, sometimes it costs you the very thing you wanted to keep, be it a job, relationship or health. 

From Google


I realize that alcohol, and this is an obvious example, is often used as the ground many stick their heads into for safety like an ostrich. What people think when consuming copious amounts is rewarding a rough week or just having fun with friends but for me the shame in the morning was like, ‘Child, even water won’t help you with that!’ 

But let me ask you this- darn it! Lost my train of thought.

Appeal to your subconscious mind: 

Soooo muuccchhh of how we perceive life is modeled after core beliefs that were cemented in us by the age of 6. Peripheral ones change with new information but the former type of belief is basically what forms our identity. If you have a dysfunction in your life that you know is wrong and have ‘owned’ it with ‘this is how I am’, have a meeting with your childhood  self and find out what the root is.  

Often we treat the symptoms: you are bored with your boyfriend, get a new one. Your girlfriend is verbally abusive, smack her. You are stressed, medicate with food, sex and other vices. You hate your job, complain, take shortcuts, steal or quit. The attendant is being slow, murmur. Someone doesn’t give you positive feedback, attack them. You crave attention, talk and lead on multiple people.

I could go on, but everytime you have a negative reaction to something, check in with yourself. My current struggle is being blue ticked especially mid ‘intimate’ conversation like when you’re telling your girlfriend a juicy story that you need immediate affirmative feedback. I dunno if men have this problem… And yes I’m talking about you, you can quote this back to me 🙄. But as sure as the neighbor’s cocks are crowing and a mosquito is testing my patience, I know that calling someone an ass or repaying in kind isn’t helpful. That’s a misdiagnosis coz surely, in the grander scheme of this, will this matter in 24hrs? So the idea is to find the source of the illness, not just treat the symptoms.

These examples seem trivial, but think about instances where fear, anxiety, anger, shame, the works, based decisions altered your life. Saying sorry or changing things isn’t permanent as the same things will keep recurring in different costumes until ‘death’ in that area takes place. Here you can again, pretend it never happened or that you don’t care, or you can treat the disease correctly and get out of the cycle of vices, self help books and church to blur reality. 

This was long and exhausting but hope you got the point. Plus I’m almost done with my cereal.
Cheers guys.


PS: JA and fellow grammar enthusiasts, cut me some slack, I’m tired. I’ll proofread this again later. 

Teachings from a 4am cereal eater: Part 2

It’s 2:30am, I’m seated on my bed with a mug of cereal on the night stand and a mosquito trap-racket thing on my side.

There are people who drink water and grow fat. Or look at chocolate and grow fat. Or JUST EXIST and grow fat. I’m none of those. I’m the ones that if I skip carbs for two days you’ll be pulling me aside to ask me about the man who recently hurt me. There’s a hot pot with chapatis in the dinning room; my allocated chapati is feeling neglected and suicidal, calculating the effort required to jump out the hot pot, walk toward the edge of the counter top and jump to its death, cursing the cereals in the cabinet above. 

~~~~~~~~

Sooooo… How is your life? 

A cousin and aunt asked me to write something funny to cheer them up. 

I Googled ‘how to write funny content’. Nothing was forthcoming. 

I could write about my earliest childhood educational victories, like the time I threw up a lake inspired by Seven Seas outside the admin block when I was 5. Can we pause and agree just how HORRIBLE cod liver oil is? I still struggle to forgive my mum; it would be open warefare if she hadn’t been adding sugar.

But no… That’s not funny.

Or the time my elder brother fell off the bunk bed head first to the floor…

Nah, that’s not funny either.

Or the time my mother assaulted me with a banana…

Nope, that’s traumatic…

Or how my kid bro chased me around with a knife when we were kids..

Sigh.

I really have nothing funny to say guys.

I’ll leave you with this though:

Kama: Niaje Wabaire

Me: Poa *increasing pace*

Kama: *changing direction to follow me* Na leo uko na haraka

Me: Ni mvua natoroka

Kama: Si tunaweza ingia kwangu mvua ipite? *flips machete from one hand to another*

#Courtinglikeits1900


Cheers.