Other side of pain

Have you ever thought ‘if they only understood me they’d know where I am coming from’ especially when we are wrongly branded or unjustly punished for something we did or said that was from a seemingly good place? I say seemingly because our hearts are quite often ‘desperately wicked’ and cannot be trusted.

As I muse on this, it’s occurred to me that I am equally judging the other person.

I’m learning to make peace with the reality that those around you will not always understand you. Only trust that they didn’t wake up with an item on their to do list named ‘hurt so-and-so’.

I’m learning to own my emotions, my perceived views on other people, and my actions. Peace is in the mind, not in the calm of the day.

I’m learning to not ignore the pain,  to make peace with the pain, but not to dwell on it. Denial of pain is a guaranteed path to a life of misery.

I’m learning to instead focus on the lesson, as this molds me and makes my edges smoother.

I am learning forgiveness and love.

“I was born this way!”- Erm, not quite

I won’t touch the Lady Gaga’s song or the LGBTQIA connotation that comes with the phrase. 

“When an inner situation is not made conscious, it appears outside as fate.”~ Carl Jung

I have this 12 week ‘course’ I am doing called The Artist’s Way, and a lot of change in me can be blamed on this book. But Maureen, the bible! The author, Julia Cameron, insists that you need to ascribe to a higher power, whomever that may be, for the content to be transformative in your life with regards to creativity. I am on Week 7 now, 3 months later… Let’s just say I take a few days worth of breaks because of how draining exorcism can be. 

So today as I was FINALLY getting round to doing the weekly check-in, I read Carl Jung’s quote which made me stop. Literally. My brother told me that confusion is actually the brain trying to figure stuff out (did I bother to Google and comfirm? Nope!) so that made me more curious and want to answer the ‘huh?’.The book has a lot of amazing quotes on most of the pages but this one called for a blog post. 

‘I was born this way’, ‘this is who I am’, ‘I can’t help it’ and similar phrases are both overused and abused. For many people it’s an excuse not to change habits they know, or have been told, are damaging to themselves and/or others on a physical, pschological, social, financial, you name it, way. Inner work is hard and not many people embrace it whole heartedly, I mean, show me an alcoholic or smoker that ever had an awesome time weaning themselves off the substances they were addicted to. 

More so, whether we admit this type of thinking to ourselves, that we are ‘prisoners’ to whatever limits us, we are essentially calling it fate. The scary thing is some vices are more subtle. 

So yesterday, after some water works- can we just pause there for a bit? In this filters era, I won’t promise you this, but I will do my best to make you feel as normal as possible. On these pages, bring your unedited self, it’s home 😜

Back to how I was crying… I remembered thinking to myself, at 26, Wambaire, you want to tell me after all these years you still haven’t figured out how not to get your heart broken? See, I realized that I was being manipulated in a former relationship. I knew I always felt like crap because my past sins were ever being featured, but it didn’t occur to me that being guilt tripped in order to conform to someone’s ideal isn’t cool. Of course I did mess up here and there, I was not saintly. See, this person is not a monster, he probably didn’t have a 12 step plan of how to make me out as Gomer, but I bet you this domain that he’d never admit that’s what it was. But you know, Jesus saves. And I also bet you he’ll tell you ‘she needs help’ if you show him this post! 😂 The number of times I was told that, weh!

On the real though, I got nothing but love for him. I’m not about to catch an ulcer or not have my sins forgiven because I couldn’t forgive. 

Upon further examination of myself, I realized I always had a problem accepting attention from people I thought were nice and relatively blemish free. And he is all these things in everyone’s eye- minus my girlfriends-ha! This problem stems from a low self perception. A lot can be blamed on some incidences in my childhood- my best friend always being picked over me by the elder girls in the neigbourhood, a teacher questioning my intelligence, etc. and that’s where that quote holds truth. Because all these things that spoke rejection were not made conscious to me, I thought I was actually fated to be Miss Backseat. Anyone who showed interest in giving me a seat beside them sadly led me to do all this stuff to overcompensate instead of just being myself. I mean, how can someone like him like someone like me!

And so I allowed myself to be treated however.

Tragic I tell you. 

But glad I see it now. Coz some people are getting cut out of my life tonight! Even friendships- I’m not a charity case. If you treat me badly, we don’t have to exist in the same space. All in love, again, I’m not about to catch an ulcer or not have my sins forgiven because I couldn’t forgive. For others I just need to say sorry for being bipolar and operating from a panicked place of ‘they love me, they love me not’.

So, Wambaire, now that you truly grasp you are a loveable human being, what now for you? Stay tuned.

Over to you people; were you really ‘born this way’?

Cheers

Rock Adventure hiking trail, Mukurwe -ini

It was a tiring, exciting and well spent Sunday at the Rock Adventure hiking place in Mukurwe – ini, Nyeri. The steep climbs and rock boulders along the river bed added extreme challenge that…

Source: Rock Adventure hiking trail, Mukurwe -ini

Ever wondered why….

“Woman was created because man was bored.”

I am beside myself.

This was something a woman said, but because Jesus turned water into wine, those might have not been the exact words, but were very much implied.

I stopped tagging my posts on social media because I figured those who wanted to read my opinion would subscribe on email because that’s where some important things come in. Also I am not going to publicize from here on out controversial thoughts on social media for attention. You are here because you looked for me. I hope! Or stumbled into… As the spirit leads. 🙂

A bit of background we were having a heated discussion that started with why people should entertain men cheating, to women being the ‘lesser’ species… And I was in shock that people thought this way, and most of all that it’s a belief I once held even as a Christian.

If you believe this as a woman, that’s why he chose you over a woman like me. That’s why he thought of you as fun, as interesting, as intelligent, as what he was looking for. That’s why he stopped calling or texting me. That’s why, female, he appreciates how you lay him and use your assets to seduce him. That’s why you win over women like me- boring, uptight- too Christian. He’ll take you places I dream of being taken by my future husband and buy you things I wish I man would buy me just because, other than liquor to try make me loosen up in more than one area.

That’s why you’ll use words like happy and make me (some lonely times) regret my walk with God because this journey is hard. That’s why your posts online wind me up and make me wonder, what is it about you that made them see you as more worthy? It’s why every thought is a fight between loving myself and wondering why a stranger thought to talk to you and treat me like a pillar holding up a building. For me to question my beauty; should I include detox this week and jog? Or is it how I smile? Should I move my hips more or make my words and voice more ‘feminine’ and sensual?

Should I not write this??

Or do I need to tone down my ‘strong’ personality because I might be the problem? 😆 on the real though, self worth comes from within but I won’t pretend that I’m never plagued with such thoughts from time to time.

Female who thinks those words I opened this post with, good for you for the perks you are getting.

But honestly, I am done wishing to have that.

“…but for Adam there was not found a helper meet (suitable, adapted, complementary) for him. And the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam; and while he slept, He took one of his ribs or a part of his side and closed up the [place with] flesh. And the rib or part of his side which the Lord God had taken from the man He built up and made into a woman, and He brought her to the man. Then Adam said, This [creature] is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of a man. Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and shall become united and cleave to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” ‭‭Genesis‬ ‭2:20-24‬ ‭AMPC‬‬

Cheers

Levels of ‘poop’ management 

I like to equate growth with potty training.

While you are a step up from pooping in diapers constantly, growth comes with learning to:

  1. Making a habit of telling an older person you need to poo, even if you are in your diapers, so that they can rush you to the potty or the nearest loo. People applaud this effort and won’t blame you if you do poop in your diapers from time to time.
  2. Take yourself to either facility and poop. This is assumed you no longer wear diapers, but when neither is near you go, then go, ‘I couldn’t hold it any longer!
  3. Learn to hold it in till you can get to the nearest facility, yes, even if it’s hours away. #GrownFolkStuff

In case you were lost in the word ‘poop’, the last phase is where we should all aspire to be.

Pre any of the stated phases

Now, if you always have people cleaning up after your mess then you shouldn’t be reading this because everything will offend you. A one year old isn’t familar with words like ‘toilet’ or ‘hold it’. So much of this will be gibbersh. Move along now to stuff that feeds your ego and validates your opinion that the world is here to wait on you and bends to your whims. And to be blamed for things that go wrong in your life.

Phase One

People expect you to constantly mess up so much so that when you do one good thing they are amazed and applaud you. This is fine especially if you are a juvinille or just an adult who refuesed to mature and strive toward becoming an upstanding citizen. But that gets old. People don’t want to hang around you because they don’t know when you’ll drop a stink bomb. That makes you think the world is against you. And it is. No one builds a pit latrine (for my urban people you might wanna google that) in the direction the wind is coming from, it will stink up your house! So we’ll put you on this other side where you can stink up all you want but you won’t affect us especially if we don’t have a say as to whether or not you can be in our lives.

Phase Two

You have your shit together (pun intended) most of the time but you lose your cool when things get too uncomfortable. You call up people and ask them, ‘Are you an a**h***!?’ when you feel they have utterly wronged you (yes, I do have my poop days, I never said I was perfect). You react negatively when someone treats you contrary to how you believe you deserve to be treated. The horns come out and that’s why we hear phrases like, ‘(S)he’s nice, just don’t cross her/him.’ What does that even mean? What’s this implied grey area that you can fly off the handle when you are displeased?

As you might realize, most of us are in this periodic stink bomb phase. Some have good days (when I am not bloated), and some have bad days (me entering my room and realizing I need to open the window and balcony door because the farts stuck to the wall and fabric) .

*inhale* *exhale* that my good people is the smell of honesty. And hyperacidity problems.

Phase Three

The people in this phase piss off those of us in Phase Two. Like my elder brother when he’s dismissing my rants. The hell is wrong with you? 😀

Though he won’t poop, he will fart from time to time. It’s healthy. Let’s all work toward healthy venting with purpose. I dunno where he takes his poop but I want to get to that level where I take hits from people left, right and center but at the end of the day not pour out acquired garbage back out into the world. Instead I’d like to have a conversation with God on how to dispose those things that have injured my heart or are gnawing at my soul, or simply what needs to be dropped on the spot. We are told take everything to God and poop is no exception.

If your thing is yoga and meditation, do it. If it’s journaling or exercise to release that negative energy, do it. Not everyone who chances on this blog is a Christian but the principle, I believe, cuts across.

What phase are you on? Points to ponder.

PS: This is NOT how I expected this post to go and I’ve had to change the title! Oh and sharing is caring 🙂

Cheers.

The friends that gotta go

cropped-1508067_10152234087927904_96768823_n2.jpgThere are people who are so easy to walk away from; they irritate you at first sight, show their nasty true colors after one or two or several seatings… And these people I will cut off without a second thought. I quite honestly like this type. It doesn’t have to be a complete severance, I’ll still be civil when we meet but I won’t call/text for them for whatever reason… Unless it’s professional. I’m sure in your life you have such people and it’s the order of life, no one need take it personally for it goes both ways.

Now there’s another group of people that are absolutely hard and heart wrenching to walk away from and that’s the people who you know are good people, you know they love you but have absolutely rubbish behavior that affects your life: parents, siblings, friends, lovers… I will not talk of marriage because that’s a covenant and I’m not qualified to speak on that. But the a fore mentioned have the potential to not only hurt you niiiicely and thoroughly but also ruin your future.

Truth be told I’ve always thought Jesus was being mean when he told Peter ‘Get behind me Satan!’ But he also adds ‘you are in my way [an offense and a hindrance and a snare to me] for you are minding what partakes not of the nature and quality of God but of men’ (Matthew 16:23 AMPC). And mark you Peter was told prior to this that he’d be the rock on which the  church would be built (Matthew 16:18), not to mention that he was in the inner circle.

I urge you to ask God to reveal which good people in your life are holding you back. This will be painful and you might kick and scream as people are being dragged out of your life, and that’s fine, you won’t die. But like Christ, you have something bigger than the opinion of man that you need to undertake and you can’t have some people stay in your inner circle or space in general.

Things to pray about:
1. Before you get scissor-happy know that some people in your life might justify  need correction. Have that conversation. They repent and come correct, keep them. They become psychotic or view you as a pscho, walk away.

2. This one I haven’t prayed for obvious-ish reasons, but, to whom are you a stumbling block? Ask God to remove you or to show you how to come correct. It’s not always about you, or so I’m learning.

Yours, 

Female who’s life is in relative upheaval (tihihi!)😅

Admit it, We Killed Feminism

Several course meal for thought.

Watch as a woman with access to equal opportunity to greatness is stifled by the standards and expectations we set on her because society’s standards are not the standards of equality yet.

There are things I wouldn’t like to admit to myself. Things such as the encroachment of stupidity in my surroundings that seems to be a willing indulgence as opposed to a tragic outcome of schools becoming the meeting point of kerosene and fire as opposed to the best possible brains. Things such as the need for activism, more especially gender based activism in an age where it is generally accepted that we’ve done enough damage with the empowered girl child and need to collect the boy child from a drunken stupor after he drops out of school because there is no room for him on the path to a board room chair. Things such as saying women need…

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