Letting go of what I never had

Sit with me in silent laughter.

By now I know the symptoms of a bad day. I will wake up in a sour mood. I will not want to leave the bed. I will negotiate with myself to work because I don’t want to be a beggar. I will refuse to journal because I know it will end in an even more foul mood or waterworks, both of which I don’t want to experience.

If you don’t have such days, I’m jealous.

As for me and myself, such a day never ends well. I started with one of those yesterday. For the most part, they end with hours of YouTube and sleep, but in others, if a trigger is introduced, chhhhiiiillleeeee…. (pronounced “child” but without the d. Blame Sarah Jakes Roberts.)

My riggers could be anything, but they all have an underlying theme- men getting away with shit. Anything from a chauvinistic comment that goes unmentioned to gospel artists messing up a woman’s life- that shit gets to me. I could choose not to curse, but that shit is heavy in my heart and I can’t express it any other way.

Because these all sound like things I should bring up in my therapy sessions, I’ll do just that.

But one thing these triggers do is send me down a rabbit hole, which is the basis of today’s post.

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Being molested as a child messes up a human to degrees that even they don’t understand in their later years. If you have been, male or female, you know what I mean. Pair that with a less than ideal environment to grow up in and behold, a mess of a human being trying to get through life happens.

And I have been trying to work my issues out. So when the following thought hit me, I had to just… let’s just say I felt a lot of things.

“How do you let go of things you never had in the first place?“

I’ll give an example. It’s like not getting a job and saying, you know what, screw that job, I don’t want it anyway, it was rubbish, the people are probably xyz, etc. etc. you know, sour grapes. So imagine that with your life, trying to let go of friends you never had, of relationships with people who never loved you in the first place, of a childhood that you never got to experience.

How does that work, exactly?

And I say this with utmost humor despite the space I’m in- it’s like trying to change up your life to be this thing, and then you realized you never had a life in the first place, so what exactly are you changing? LOL!

You can understand the level of delusion, yes?

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While that realization is painful, it’s one I’m happy I’ve had. Unclenching empty hands is easier, and realizing, moving forward, I have nothing to lose with the choices I make with how my life moves forward. I never had anything to lose in the first place.

I also realize what to pick and carry with me. Love. From people who were with me even when I had nothing, even when I didn’t realize I was empty. You are the real OGs.

Keep swimming.

Christian heartchat: When suicide comes knocking

Between the sleep in my eyes and the stigma on this topic, believe me when I say it’s the last thing I wish to post about. That and typing and editing via phone is cumbersome. How autocomplete thought I wanted to say Cumberland (lol!) is beyond me. I only do so because I realize it’s not about me.

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Before early 2016 I can say my life has been cloudy, but the one that doesn’t make you sweat but does get you depressed as the day progresses. After doing something terrifically foolish, I understood how you can be a Christian and slide into the devil’s “DM.” If you’re ranking sins in your mind then that’s you scrolling looking for his handle. Stop. You’re welcome!

I had an honest conversation with God and asked Him to get me out of the mess because if He didn’t, I was so sure I’d ruin my life. It was actually a guarantee; you don’t need to get two warning dreams to know fam! He didn’t have to but He did, and from that point I said I’d focus on him. After that commitment depression became part and parcel of my life. That and other manifestations of self-hatred. It had been there before, the cloudy day, but it got progressively dark to what began to look like night.

Darkness fell less than a week ago. I’ve mentioned here having suicidal thoughts (or have I?) and there’s nothing as bad as a mind working against you. If you’ve been here it’s something you don’t wish on your worst enemy. Think of the person you strongly dislike. Now think of the one you’d use the word “hate.” You wouldn’t wish those oppressive thoughts on them. Trust me. The fact that I know someone I love with the same issue hurts me to my life’s essence.

Sorry for the detour, I just find context super important.

I’ve been reading a lot about mental health so when for the first time the thought manifested into dialogue in form of a plan, I knew I needed help. And even in that awareness I was aware that God was still with me. I was on the phone with a close friend and after she prayed for me I said “I can see God even in this. But right now I am not okay, and I need to get help.”

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Therefore I urge you, brothers and sisters, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies [dedicating all of yourselves, set apart] as a living sacrifice, holy and well-pleasing to God, which is your rational (logical, intelligent) act of worship. And do not be conformed to this world [any longer with its superficial values and customs], but be transformed and progressively changed [as you mature spiritually] by the renewing of your mind [focusing on godly values and ethical attitudes], so that you may prove [for yourselves] what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect [in His plan and purpose for you].

ROMANS 12:1‭-‬2 AMP

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What you’re going through is not normal. It is equally not of God.

Giving yourself up to God is a logical act of worship because He gave His son for you. A life for a life almost. So taking your life is out of question. Also note that it gives no prerequisite as to how you come. It says all of yourself as “holy and well-pleasing” to God. If Paul did anything in his lifetime was let us know that we only achieve that status in Christ. If you’re in him, even as you are, God sees you as worthy. Paul was a murder- what’s you’re excuse for refusing what the word says you are? Being conformed to this world for me was entertaining the thought of going through with the narrative playing in my mind to take my life.

I love an example given to me. It’s like playing Temple Run with suicide. Even when the gorilla catches up and kills you or you fall off a cliff, the screen refreshes and you’re back at it. You “die”, but when morning comes you’re back to running, fighting, coping. Does that sound like life in Christ?

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Which brings me to my second point; get help. There is such a thing as rubbish “help”. It takes the form of alcohol, the friend that’s messed with your self esteem for years, non-responsive parents, a pastor or priest with no counseling experience, that overly religious relative. Amani Counseling Center and KAPC in Kenya are excellent places to start. If you don’t have financial resources, I get that. Reach out to a supportive friend or relative. They might not understand, but they might be willing to help. I don’t have a list, but sort professional counselors.

Again, get help. Those thoughts are NOT normal and shouldn’t be with you for life. Don’t cope, don’t fight alone. Read as much as you can about what you’re going through- it’s hands down affirmed my belief that information is power.

Not your typical festive post. I know. But let your gift to yourself in 2019 be a sober mind, won’t you?

Merry Christmas

Mind Your Judgment

Romans 2:3-4

3 But do you think this, O man, when you judge and condemn those who practice such things, and yet do the same yourself, that you will escape God’s judgment and elude His verdict? 4 Or do you have no regard for the wealth of His kindness and tolerance and patience [in withholding His wrath]? Are you [actually] unaware or ignorant [of the fact] that God’s kindness leads you to repentance [that is, to change your inner self, your old way of thinking—seek His purpose for your life]? AMP

Picture a scenario where a friend approaches you with a business plan. Part of it includes selling counterfeited goods but marketing them as the cream of the crop in the industry. Like the save, sanctified and spirit filed person that you are, as Sarah Jakes Roberts would put it, you tell them that it’s a horrible idea and proceed to quote scripture and the law of the land.

Being the hard-headed person, they are your friend doesn’t listen. You, however, continue to be in their life, showing them kindness, offering corrections and just treating them like a decent human being despite their shortcoming.

A few years after their initial prosperity, things fall apart.

Now picture this same friend going onto social media and saying how, when they had everything, they had friends, but now everyone has deserted them. You think they are in pain and you give them space. You come back into their life when you think they are at least in their right mind, only for them to say, “Why didn’t you stop me when I came to you with the plan?”

I don’t know about you, but that right there would leave me speechless. So much so that I’d block this person’s number and forget about them because that’s how many words I don’t have.

But the Good Lord is working in me.

The typical “what would Jesus do?” question applies here. The answer is you wouldn’t say anything back, at least anything that would cause harm. Sure enough, when the pity party is over, they would roll back round, apology filled and ready to make amends. It is your ability to remain loving that would leave the door open for them to come back and restore the friendship.

And that’s what this verse in Romans is about.

We need to stop seeing God as someone who sends out Holy Backhands for every mistake we make. That’s not His job. The only possible backhand He’s done is when He smacked Lucifer so hard that he fell out of the heaven and bowling-balled a third of the angels out as well.

We also tragically walk around with the narrative that God also issues out backhands to your enemies. No… not quite. The wages of sin is death. So anything that comes your “enemy’s” way is simply a harvest of something they sowed. So if I were you, I’d be mindful of how I go round saying “God smite mine enemies!” Because what’s that line in the Lord’s Prayer? “Forgive our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us?” Child, what wrath is this you’re introducing to yourself though?!

So next time you see that chick who’s been sleeping around or the guy who cons people “prosper,” don’t think God is asleep. He’s extending the same grace to them as He did you while you were still in sin.

Be kind to everyone, won’t you?

Cheers.